So much of what we deal with is influenced by people and circumstances that come long before we’re born because our stories begin before we’re born. Thankfully, many things are good: like when your parents were set up on a blind date with each other, or how your grandparents modeled a love of God for your mom. And some things are bad: like when Eve disobeyed God and convinced Adam to join her, or when your mom got hooked on drugs before you were born.
I think suicide is one of those things, too.
Now I’ve seen a lot of talk lately about suicide. Either I’m hearing of someone else who’s crossed that line or I’m reading an article about what goes on inside the suicidal person’s mind. Because of this, I didn’t want to write this article now (or ever). I hate bandwagons, and this certainly isn’t the one I’d choose for myself.
To be honest, I must admit another reason, too. I’m not jumping to put this out there. It’s personal, a little embarrassing, and has the potential to hurt others.
But I haven’t thought of anything else to write for the past several weeks, which usually is God telling me “Just trust Me.” I have no idea why, and I don’t know how it could help anyone else, but I know God uses our stories to help others, so I’ll hold onto that.
Her Story
This part of my story actually begins with my grandmother. Although I never met her, I feel like I know her. My mom passed a love for her to me through her own stories and memories.
Mama told me about the fierce love Grandma had for her family and friends, about how she wasn’t afraid to set you straight if you got a little crooked, and about how much she liked a clean house—so much so she scrubbed the floor on her hands and knees.
Her stories held more than a daughter only wanting to remember the good, idolizing the person she lost too soon. Mama told me about the despair Grandma felt that led her to suicide.
Some things Mama didn’t have to tell me because I could see for myself the heartache that one decision caused. I could see the sadness, guilt, regret, and those things you can’t really articulate and how it all still colors my family today.
I won’t get into any details. I’m sure I don’t know most of them because Mama always wanted to shield me from that, and that’s not the point anyway.
How Could She?
I had one prevailing thought growing up that I never could voice: how could a mother choose to leave her daughter?
It seemed so selfish to me.
How could she get to the point that taking her own life was the best solution she could see? Did she not suspect that her own daughter could be the one to find her? What was going through her head?
I’ve never gotten answers to most of my unspoken questions, but now I have an understanding I never had as a kid.
My Turn
What’s the one thing you’ve always wanted? I mean that dream you’ve had since you were a kid. For me, that was to have a family of my own.
I dreamed of when I would finally meet the one. We’d know immediately we were meant for each other and ride into the sunset hand-in-hand. The classic dream.
I waited, made a mistake or two, and waited some more. I wondered if my dream would ever come true or if I’d be doomed to a spinster life like Paul.
Then I met someone, but he didn’t really seem my type. He was as cocky as any rooster I’d ever seen and seemingly had no desire for God. And then the decision I would regret later: I chose to lay aside the pursuit of my dream for just a little while.
But after we talked for a while, he asked me what I wanted in life, and I told him. He expressed a desire to be that. I couldn’t believe my dream was materializing before my eyes—every girl’s fantasy, that he would change for me.
After a very short time, he asked me to marry him, and it never crossed my mind to say anything but yes. As soon as he gave me a ring, I’d start planning a simple wedding, the one we were talking about.
But no ring materialized.
As quickly as everything fell into place, it disappeared. Just like that he was gone, and as the weeks went on, I found more and more ways he’d lied to me and used me.
What meant so much to me became his weapon against me, and he dealt me a killing blow. I retreated into a deep, dark vacuum. Despair became my new reality, and nothing helped because waiting was never as bad as mourning what I thought I had.
I began thinking about making it all go away. I thought about all the things I’d ever heard about committing suicide, and how to ensure I did it right.
The image of slitting my wrists became all I thought about. It was so enticing, I played the whole scenario in my mind over and over.
When I got to the end, though, when my mind pictured someone finding me, I could only see Mama. She and my dad were the only ones who could possibly find me, and I couldn’t get past that image.
Mama is the strongest person I know, but I knew she couldn’t take losing me like that. Not again.
Over and over the whole scenario played in my mind until, finally, the certainty came that it wasn’t an option to put Mama through that again.
But I didn’t know what to do; I didn’t know how to help myself. I knew I couldn’t be alone, but I couldn’t be around people either. I knew I needed to talk to someone, but the words wouldn’t come.
I had a lot of conversations with God in that time, and looking back now, I can see that I was doing exactly what I needed: praying and waking up each day until eventually the world didn’t look so dark.
If the Me Now Could Talk to the Me Then…
This may be getting into corny territory, but somehow it feels necessary. When I was trapped in the dark, all I could hear were my own thoughts and lies. Maybe things would have been a bit easier or the process quicker if I could have seen me now.
I’d say this:
#1: You can’t see it now but there is hope—there’s always hope.
#2: I’m so glad now you didn’t end it then! God’s not finished with you.
#3: You’re focusing on the wrong things. Keep your eyes on Jesus, and you can get through anything.
I’ve learned things as a result of going through that time I never expected to—or wanted really. Some I can’t articulate, and some I’m still learning.
I never saw the connection before writing this post about how Grandma’s decision and Mama’s stories saved my life because without either of them, I might not have had the unique view of seeing the aftermath suicide has on families.
I’m living proof that God does bring good out of the darkness.
Extra Resources for You
I pray you that read this today and can’t relate, since you’ve never gone through it, but statistically many of you not only relate, you’re going through it now.
I’ve put together a list of resources for you, and I pray you see that you’re not alone. There is hope, and God’s not finished with you.
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- I Have a Confession: I’m a Christian and I Was Suicidal by Dr. Michelle Bengtson at Hope Prevails
- What the Bible Says about Suicide: 7 Reminders of Hope from Crosswalk
- Help for the Suicidal from Family Life
- A Prayer for Fighting Suicidal Thoughts from Crosswalk
- Weary Sparrow from HISsparrowBlog
Your bravery is beautiful. YOU are beautiful. So blessed to have read your story and I’m so happy you are here to tell it. God recently brought me to a point of confessing something I knew could potentially hurt people, but more than that it gave people the courage to admit they were going through the same thing too! Your courage will bring blessing! Keep seeking the Lord, He cares for you and I can’t wait to see what He does in your life since admitting this! God bless!
You make a very good point: everyone is blessed when we’re transparent. Thanks for stopping by and the encouragement. Have a blessed day.
I know it was hard to write this, but you did a great job with such a difficult topic. I’m sorry I didn’t know everything that was going on during that time with you. I knew you were withdrawn in pain. I was praying for you and praying that God would send you the man He had made for you. You have been a light in my life since that first day I held you in my arms. You are special! You are loved! I am so proud of you!!!
You didn’t know because I didn’t tell you, but you were everything you needed to be then. I knew you were there even if I couldn’t say the words. I love you.
I love your transparency. Suicide hits very close to home on many different levels. Just recently we lost our pastor to suicide, and our hearts are breaking. I too wrote a post on suicide on How to Help Prevent Suicide using 5 action steps. https://www.embracingtheunexpected.com/help-prevent-suicide/ Yesterday, I added a link to a recording of a hope-filled event with Kay Warren. You might like watching it. We must keep talking about suicide. Thank you for sharing with Grace & Truth Christian Link-Up.
Thank you for the resources, Maree Dee. I agree that we should talk about suicide; since writing this post, I’ve noticed others seem more comfortable talking about it too. And I think talking is a way that God helps us to remember that we’re not alone. Thanks for stopping by!
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry for what you went through and that suicide is in the news so much lately. But that’s why we need stories like yours. We need people to give hope to others, to share Jesus. I also addressed this issue: https://mycrazyfaith.blogspot.com/2018/06/help-for-anxiety-or-depression.html
Keep writing. And God bless you!
Thank you, Heather!
When God speaks, you must listen. I’m so glad you did. There are so many who need to hear it. They need to see the pieces come together for their good. Thank you so much for obeying God’s direction.
I love that: when God speaks, listen. Thank you for the encouraging words!
It’s important to share these stories – thank you! A few months ago, I shared my story on my blog too (just so you know you’re not alone). It was tough writing it, but I think it’s important to allow God to use our fragile places to show His strength. Blessings to you! If you don’t mind, here’s a link to my story: https://joyawilliams.com/my-story-why-not-having-hope-is-not-an-option/
You’re right, Joy. We do need to share these stories, and maybe the tougher they are to share, the more impact they have on others.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is a unique perspective of how your grandmother affected your life after she was gone and I believe, her memory was used by God to keep you from following her choice. Truly, thank you for your bravery in sharing.
I agree that God used my grandmother’s memory to protect me and those who love me. We serve an awesome God who can use the worst this life has to offer and turn it around. Thank you for stopping by, Susan. God bless.
Hi There! Thank you for this post! Thank you for being so brave in writing it and for your transparency. I love what you said you did to survive the pain: “pray and wake up each day until finally the world didn’t look so dark.” Amen, my sister!
Hi, Tiffiney! Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving some encouragement! God bless.
Love this! I know how hard this was to write about, you have such courage. I recently wrote about my attempted suicide. I think it’s so important to share your story in hopes that it might resonate with someone and give them hope. I never want my pain to be wasted, if I can help just one person then it’s worth it. Thank you for sharing your heart. Big hugs💗
Thank you for sharing. This was beautiful and brave, I have no doubt your words will help many. Maree
Thank you, Maree. I pray this post helps someone.
Thank you for your vulnerability, “I never saw the connection before writing this post how Grandma’s decision and Mama’s stories saved my life, because without either of them, I might not have had the unique view of seeing the aftermath. I’m living proof that God does bring good out of the darkness.” I trust that He will use your story to help many people.
My grandfather committed suicide and it took me several years to work through it, but I was finally able to forgive him and let go. I believe the Lord used it for good in my family’s life, but it was a dark valley for us to walk through as a family.
What a heartache, Lisa. I’m so sorry your family went through that. Thank goodness we serve a God who uses even the hardest circumstances for His glory and our good. Thank you for your comment today. Blessings to you and yours.