I’ve realized being a good listener doesn’t come naturally for me anymore. I can tell you the revelation has disturbed me a lot. Good listening skills are essential to all good relationships.
I don’t think this has always been true, though. Many people have expressed appreciation to me for lending an ear over the years, but that’s happened less and less in the last decade or so.
Then
As a shy kid who struggled with feeling dumb, I didn’t talk much. I’m not sure if I knew the saying at the time, but “better to keep quiet and be thought a fool than to remove all doubt” described my feelings exactly.
I preferred to observe.
The actions, words, and reactions of other people were fascinating to me, and I studied them for years. I thought maybe, one day, I’d know how I should act. What to say.
And Now
Whereas low self-esteem characterized my childhood, my adulthood has been characterized by understanding who I am.
God’s been showing me my whole life how much He loves me, but it’s been the last decade or so I’ve actually paid attention. And don’t ask me why I’ve struggled with self-esteem because I’ve had wonderful people in my life—all my life—who’ve shown me unconditional love.
I was blessed with a mother who lived out sacrificial love for me. The kind of woman who’d give my brother and me her last piece of bread. She poured love and encouragement into me, and then I met my husband who’s so giving and encouraging sometimes I wonder if he sees the bad in me.
I struggle less and less with thoughts that I’m stupid, ugly, or less than enough because I can see God the Gracious in the blessings that have always been there for me to remember, God the Deliverer in every mistake I ever made, and God the Hiding Place in every hurt I never thought would heal.
I can see God the Gracious in the blessings that have always been there for me to remember, God the Deliverer in every mistake I ever made, and God the Hiding Place in every hurt I never thought would heal. #HISsparrowBlog Share on XThat little voice in the back of my mind I’ve had since I was a kid has been a lot quieter these days because there’s a new voice—sweeter, gentler—that tells me what my mom tried to tell me for years: I’m beautiful, smart, and have a unique blend of skills to reach others for Christ.
But isn’t it funny how sometimes a good thing can influence another area negatively? I guess sometimes we turn around and realize we’ve lost focus in one area while we were busy bringing another into focus.
With a better understanding of who I am in Christ as my self-esteem has improved, I’ve turned to find my listening skills are a big blur. I realize I’m quicker to talk, think I’m right, and want to “fix,” which comes from a place of wanting to help, but I’ve got to get back to the basics.
Secrets to Being a Good Listener
#1 – Make eye contact.
Multi-taskers like to combine talking with someone with other things: cooking dinner, looking something up on the phone, or grabbing something real quick from the next room. It’s nice to talk with someone and get the things of life done. But sometimes I have to remember to stop and look them in the eye.
Nothing makes a person feel more heard than eye contact, and I am more likely to hear what they say when my eyes—my focus—is on their eyes and face and body language.
#2 – Think about what they’re saying.
And of course, with eye contact must come an effort to hear. I have to stop thinking on my to-do list, what I want to say next, or how I should respond when they finally stop talking.
#3 – Don’t judge what they’re saying as right or wrong.
Sometimes what a person says surprises me, and I find myself dumbstruck at how they could possibly think such a thing.
I’m so caught up on the right or wrong I perceive in what they’ve said that I lose focus on what they’re saying. I lose the heart behind it.
But sometimes I need to imagine how they’re feeling.
#4 – Uncross the arms.
Avoid the body language that tends to make you look closed off: crossed arms, cockeyed shoulders, body turned away.
Sometimes we think “I’m just crossing my arms because I’m cold,” but I know I tend to be more open when my body language is—a take action and let the emotion follow kind of thing.
#5 – Think back over the conversation after it’s ended.
Not in a critical way. Run the conversation back through my head, so I’ll be more likely to remember it.
It’ll mean a lot when that person doesn’t have to repeat what they told me in the previous conversation.
And I might know how to help them in the future. Even something as small—or big—as what gift they’d like for Christmas.
I don’t know if you’ve struggled with the same things I have, but I think these secrets can be universal no matter the root cause. Good listening skills are essential to all our relationships and showing the light of Christ to others.
What tips do you find most helpful to be a good listener? Let me know in the comments.
A few extras for ya:
- How to Foster Hospitality through Meaningful Conversation from Stacey Pardoe
- 60+ Names and Attributes of GOD & JESUS {free printables} from HISsparrowBlog
- How to Give Others Time to Grow in Grace from Living Our Priorities
- 3 Simple Ways to Effectively Love Others from Rebecca Hastings
I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Tell His Story with Jeanne Takenaka, and Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola.
You are a great listener. You spend most of your time listening to me. For that, I am most definitely grateful! You have brought up some good points that we should all use. Thank you!
Thank you for your encouragement! As always. 🙂
I’ve made a career out of being a listener, but like you, in later years, I find I’m not listening well. I definitely agreed with all your points, but maybe #1 IS #1: “Nothing makes a person feel more heard than eye contact, and I am more likely to hear what they say when my eyes—my focus—is on their eyes and face and body language.” Thanks for the reminder!
Thanks for stopping by, Jerralea!
These were so good! What an important topic for all of us so thank you for sharing this Ashley. Your suggestions were spot on and I could picture myself breaking all of them at any given time. lol You have helped me pay attention to what I am doing when I should be listening. Well done!
Thanks for stopping in, Gretchen! Love what you said about breaking all these at one time or another. Isn’t that the truth for us all!
Great tips for listening well. Eye contact is important. And so is body language. Especially when it comes to something simple like cell phones. It’s important to put that technology down and focus on the person in front of you. Not that I’m always good at it, but it makes a difference!
You’re right, Rebecca! It makes a huge difference, and I’m definitely working on that one. Thanks for stopping in!
Great topic. Social media draws us a way from true communication. I really like # 2. I tend to lose focus. Not intentionally of course. Perhaps I have a little ADD. Nevertheless, I believe that tip will help me with attentiveness. Thanks.
You’re not alone, Calvonia. It’s so easy to be thinking on what we want to say next, or our to-do lists, or how the person talking says a particular word instead of what they’re really saying. It’s a struggle but worth the on-going effort, I think. Thank you so much for stopping in and commenting. Blessings!
Love this Ashley, I really struggle with this, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I always feel like my brain is running too fast to focus!
That’s a great point! Many times it isn’t a matter of not caring about what the other person’s saying, but paying better attention will definitely make them feel heard and loved. Thanks for stopping in, Danell!
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