Negative self-talk can be one of the most destructive actions for our identity. Today we’ll talk about why it’s so bad and learn about some tips to improve in the future.
Do you respond to a compliment by putting yourself down? Do you verbally attack yourself because of your own clumsiness, forgetfulness, or aging body? You, my friend, may struggle with negative self-talk.
So do I.
And I’m guessing we aren’t alone. What a relief, huh? But the everybody-does-it response won’t cut it. It can be a comfort but not an excuse.
Why Do We Beat Ourselves Up With Negative Self-Talk?
It’s always helpful for me to evaluate the why in any situation: It can help me get a better perspective and understanding. When I looked at my why for this one, though, I was a little embarrassed. It’s obvious I have a long way to go in the identity department, which is a bit of a bummer.
My negative self-talk is a result of thinking my faults are so painfully obvious to others they’re all they can see—even those I know who love me fiercely. In an effort to spare my own pride and self-esteem, I state the obvious so they won’t have to break it to me.
And then subconsciously, there’s always the hope someone else will contradict my self-image. This may seem to contradict my first reason, but feelings are usually illogical and jumbled up together—even what seem to be opposite emotions.
What’s The Big Deal And What Can I Do About It?
It’s easy to group some things into the that’s-just-the-way-it-is category. Some things can become so ingrained in us that they don’t occur to us to do anything about them.
And then sometimes it seems impossible to do anything different even if you wanted. How do you change something so big that the whole world does it?
One person at a time, I guess. We start with ourselves because bad is bad no matter how many people do it.
So what’s so wrong with negative self-talk anyway? Who am I hurting? Why would anyone care what I say to myself? I’m glad you asked.
REASON #1: WE TAKE ON A FALSE IDENTITY BASED ON COMMENTS FROM OTHERS.
I can remember mean comments from when I was a kid. I can’t remember what I ate for lunch yesterday, but the negative things people probably don’t even remember saying stick. Like one time, this kid called me buck-toothed. That was years ago and I had a gap between my crooked front teeth—not buck-toothed—and braces made a huge improvement, yet I always have something negative to say when I see myself in pictures.
I’d like to point out another type of comment that can stick with us sometimes: constructive criticism. It’s a beautiful thing to have accountability. I’m not dissing anyone for telling us what we need to hear. We need that.
But our response should be mature and secure enough in our identities that we don’t use those times of growth as a label we carry for the rest of our lives—or as ammunition for the next trash-talk session in front of the mirror. Learn and move on.
TIP #1: STOP YOURSELF, FOCUS ON JESUS, AND REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE IN HIM.
REASON #2: IT GIVES THE LIES OF SATAN POWER OVER US.
The Deceiver loves to see us more focused on his lies than on Jesus because then we’re less productive for the kingdom of God.
Can’t you just picture him with a Cheshire-like grin, tickled every time we repeat his words? We’ll never be good enough. Pretty enough. Productive enough.
TIP #2: I LIKE TO VISUALIZE SATAN WHISPERING HIS LIES UNTIL JESUS WHISPERS BACK THE TRUTH, JUST LIKE HE DID IN THE DESERT.
REASON #3: WE CONTINUE THE CYCLE WHEN OTHERS HEAR IT FROM US.
We like to think our private thoughts are…well…private, but they’re not. What we think comes out in the words we say, our reactions, and our attitudes toward others. Focus fuels self-talk—either positive or negative—and others hear it.
The negative comments that come as a result of someone’s sweet compliment not only make them uncomfortable, it makes them more likely to do the same to themselves. Leading by example as they say.
TIP #3: PRACTICE SAYING “THANK YOU” THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE COMPLIMENTS YOU. JUST “THANK YOU.” THAT INCLUDES THE THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD.
REASON #4: NEGATIVE ATTITUDES TOWARD OURSELVES WILL EVENTUALLY TURN OUTWARD.
I’ve touched on this a little already, but I think it deserves its own point. Few things can be as bad for our Christian witness as negativity and treating others badly. And although we can fool ourselves into thinking our personal thoughts won’t affect anyone else, we’ve already established that’s just not true.
Action follows attitude. When we focus on the negative in ourselves, it’s only natural to start doing the same to others. The bad habit will pop out whether we want it to or not.
TIP #4: PRACTICE LOOKING FOR THE GOOD IN THOSE AROUND YOU, AND TRY TO PAY A COMPLIMENT TO A DIFFERENT PERSON DAILY. EVEN IF IT’S SMALL. IT MIGHT NOT BE SMALL TO THAT PERSON.
CAN YOU THINK OF ANOTHER REASON NEGATIVE SELF-TALK IS A BAD WAY TO GO? I’D LOVE FOR YOU TO SHARE IN THE COMMENTS.
*** This post was revised from the archives. Check out the original here. ***
WANT A LITTLE MORE READING? HERE YA GO…
- 5 Simple Things the People-Pleaser Should Remember from HISsparrowBlog
- 6 Crucial Truths I’d Love to Have Known Sooner from HISsparrowBlog
- Life in the Box: Understanding Identity from HISsparrowBlog
I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Tell His Story with Jeanne Takenaka, and Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola.
Learning to counter lies with truth is such a worthy practice! I relate to remembering mean comments as a kid too. I remember in 3rd grade that a classmate said I looked like Lassie because I had thick, bushy hair and he actually brought a leash to the cafeteria. I don’t remember my reaction, but the fact that I remember it happening means it made an impression on me. It makes me laugh now, but I’m sure it wasn’t funny then.
Your hair is beautiful! It’s amazing how things can get twisted sometimes. Thank you for commenting, Lisa!
Whatever we feed grows and gains strength whether it is good or bad.
That is so true! Thank you for commenting and your faithful support!
A very timely message for me, Ashley! This has always been a struggle for me, but even more so this week. Thanks for sharing!
Hi, Kari!!! Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I pray you’re doing well.
These are so helpful. One reason I used to respond negatively when complimented was to counteract feeling prideful. But if I downplayed or seemingly dismissed someone’s kind words, it was like a slap in the face to them when they meant to encourage me. And it can be a slap in the face of God–that He made us, gave us gifts, and used us to encourage someone else, and we think negatively of all that. One verse that helped me was Romans 12:3: “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.” Coming to grips with how God made me and thinking “soberly” about it helped keep me balanced.
Another thought that helped was the realization that if I am caught up in thinking negatively about myself, I am still occupied with “self” as much as if I were being prideful. Once I go to God with the things about myself I don’t like or things others have said, then I can set that aside and serve others.
Excellent points, Barbara. I can especially relate to the prideful comment. It’s taken me a while to be able to say thank you and leave it at that—even on the inside. Thanks so much for reading!
I love what you’ve shared here, Ashley. Your advice to just say thank you when complimented is so spot on. And amen to finding one person to compliment each day, even if it’s a stranger at the grocery store!
Thank you for reading and commenting, Lois! Hope you’re doing well.
The last tip…so, true! Who we think we are reflects on how we treat others. This reminds me why it is so important to anchor our identity in Christ.
So true, Lynn! Thank you for reading!
Wow! This post hit me right between the eyes! I am soooo like this. I’d rather put myself down first than have someone else beat me to the punch. I have this (or rather the original post) saved to reference often. Thanks for this!
Thank you for reading, Melanie!
This is all so true, and true to Philippians 4:8. You’ve got so much good here. I’m going to start by reminding myself to just say thank you.
Yes, that can be a hard one, Natalie. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
Beautiful, powerful verses from God’s Word! His truth is our lifeline, our salvation, our hope.
Such a helpful article, Ashley. It is amazing how we can remember something to us which was negative and carry it for years. May we grow in discernment so as to recognize the lie, turn to God to be free from it, and let Him bring the healing needed.