Raise your hand if you know a stepmom.
Unfortunately, that may be most of the people reading this. Now I’m not going to get into statistics, because well…that’s boring. We all know divorce rates are high.
I also don’t want to get into the why’s of divorce today—not that I condone divorce.
I just want to focus on understanding and meeting people where they are.
This is one of those posts that’s hard to write. I like to be transparent here, but there are some things that seem … too personal. Or maybe a better way to put it would be some things aren’t easy to put out there because feelings can get hurt.
That’s exactly why I’m doing this post. There are things the stepmom in your life can’t tell you for whatever reason: fear of judgment or hurting those she cares for, shame, whatever.
Each blended family is unique, just like we’re all unique. My situation may be drastically different than the person you know, but I imagine there are a lot of similarities. Read on if you want to understand her a little better.
What Stepmoms Can’t Say
#1 – Sometimes she feels nothing she says or does is good enough.
Whether real or imagined, stepmoms feel judged: by outsiders, family members, children, the ex.
She feels judged on how well her stepchildren react to her. If they tell her they love her. If they seem to think about her on major holidays—especially Mother’s Day. If they hug her. If they tell her about the big and little of their lives.
She feels judged on how she deals with the ex-wife. If she pushes for what she knows or feels to be right for her family’s finances, emotional health, and general well-being, she’s a trouble-making evil stepmother. But if she relents because she knows her husband and stepchildren are caught in the middle, she’s feels like a pushover.
She feels judged on her role in the ending of the previous marriage. Even though she met her husband after the divorce, when she answers the question “Do you have any children?” with “I have three stepchildren,” she can hear the unspoken questions. She wants to tell you she had nothing to do with the divorce, she loves her stepchildren as much as she’s able, and she hopes that one day everyone can just get along. But she can’t just blurt all that out, so she smiles and nods at whatever nicety you say.
She feels judged on her decision to marry a man with children from a previous relationship. Somehow she chose who God made for her and the decisions he made before she came along. She chose all the hard things that come because she married him.
And sometimes she feels judged on her parenting of the stepchildren. Should she stop the argument before it gets out of hand or is she overstepping? Should she correct manners or is that not her place because she’s not the mother?
Ah! It can be so confusing.
#2 – Sometimes she doesn’t know any more than you do.
The term stepmom implies that she’s a mother figure in her stepchildren’s lives. That totally makes sense.
But stepAUNT would convey a stepmom’s role—and knowledge—much better. She really doesn’t know anything beyond what an aunt would normally know about her nieces and nephews.
Do you ever tell someone something like your mom or friend and then think later you told your spouse? Happens to me all the time.
Now think about stepchildren and that they have two households to keep informed.
That’s a lot for a kid, and it’s hardest to keep the noncustodial home informed of every little thing going on since they weren’t actually there when the conversation or event happened.
#3 – She’d do it all over again.
Life has dealt her more things since she met and married her soulmate than she ever expected or wanted.
She looks at other “normal” people and envies their simplicity during the hard moments, but she knows that no one has a simple life. We’re all struggling with something.
And so often the very best things in life come with a little heartache.
I’m not going to try and say being a stepmom is the hardest thing ever. We don’t have exclusive bragging rights on the hard lot because every person on this planet has their own stuff.
There are definitely more points to add to this list, but these things sum up a lot. Even at only three things. I hope it gives you a good starting point to understand the stepmom in your life better.
If you’re a stepmom, I’d love to know anything else you’d add to the list. And if you know a stepmom, I’d love to know what you think too. Comment below.
Need more resources? Here you go!
- 4 Things to Avoid Saying to a Stepmom from Laura Petherbridge at iDisciple
- Dear, Stepmom: A Letter to Me from HISsparrowBlog
- Remember Me: What I Hope They Know from HISsparrowBlog
Another great blog! I’ve never been a stepmom, but was a stepkid. Tough even in best of circumstances. You are an awesome wife and stepmom!!!
Stepchildren can definitely have it rough, more so than the parents involved a lot of the time. Not that I’m trying to do the comparison game, because that’s pointless. Thank you for stopping by! You’re such a huge support.
Wow! I love this, Ashley! You have a great conversational way of speaking truths that are hard to articulate with such clarity and sensitivity both in play. Oh, and I totally get this. it can be true of the mother-in-law too–especially when your DIL is super devoted to her mom and dad. It kind of feels like a betrayal of her parents to love and accept me and my hubby. I get it, but it is nonetheless difficult to navigate and persevere through with love and hope always actively felt and extended. Thanks for sharing your heart and I WILL be pinning this one for sure!
I never thought of those similarities before: stepmom and mother-in-law. My husband has something he says a lot: love doesn’t divide, it multiplies. We’re afraid sometimes that to love one is a betrayal of another when everyone’s better off if we just love with abandon. Thank you so much for your encouragement, and I pray your DIL realizes the gift she has in a loving MIL. God bless!
Ugh! I can so relate. The step-kids are grown and have their own families now, but when they were younger, I was always tripping over their feelings for their mom. I second-guessed myself all the time and could never really relax and be myself with the kids. It’s such an awkward role to fill. Thanks for encouraging other women in the same spot!
‘Tripping over their feelings for their mom’ is a great way to phrase it; it’s so true. Second-guessing is part of the game in blended families. Tell me, does any of that get better when they’re grown? Thank you for stopping by. God bless!
Ashley, I want to affirm you in your efforts to do and say the right things as a stepmom, and also encourage others who want to do the same. You are miles ahead of many other stepmoms, including the two I have had, who were self-focused and intentionally hurtful. I can’t fix my situation, but I have great hope knowing other stepmoms like you want to do a good job. My step-grandma treats me like one of her own grandchildren, my husband has a great stepmom, and one of my friends is an awesome stepmom. You’ve given me valuable insight into their hidden worlds that I hadn’t considered before. Thank you, and I’m praying blessings on you today! Pinning this too.
Thank you for your kind words, Sarah. I really needed that encouragement right now. I’m sorry to know you’ve had some bad experiences with your stepmoms. As they say, it only takes one or two to give us a bad name. But there are a lot of good ones too. I have a stepgrandmother too and she’s never made me feel like her stepgranddaughter. She’s always spoiled me like any good grandmother. 🙄 Thank you again for your encouragement and for your prayers. God bless.
Great thoughts! I was reading Beth’s comments above and I agree that your points about a stepmom parallel those of a mother in law which I have experience with. Blessed you shared this at #TellHisStory
It’s comforting to know we serve a God who allows our sorrows and joys to help others in ways we can’t imagine. It makes a lot of things more bearable. Thank you for stopping by and leaving an encouraging word. God bless you!
Great insight, I’m a step child, I was just glad I never had to do the weekend visits, as my father was out of my life, I can’t even imagine another mother, that is hard on the child and the mom, I see so many people with custody battles and sometimes the children are with a live in girl friend, it really does get ugly, and one of my fellow bloggers writes about abuse and her mother allowing it. Sending you an invitation to my group board. You have a lot to offer.
I think it is hard on the children having two houses. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be. I’m sorry your dad wasn’t a part of your life. Life can be so messy sometimes. Thank goodness we have an unmessy God to trust. Thank you for stopping by, and I would be honored to be part of your group board. Thank you and God bless!
This made me tear up a little. Things have been rough. More than rough actually. We sometimes feel like we are hanging on by a thread. Faith, prayers, and stubbornness seem to be what keep us afloat most days. Step-parenting is hard either way you go about it. The kids are always growing and changing and its hard when they aren’t your own to deal with those changes. I personally feel like a whirlwind of drama has swept us up and carried us away most days. I try so hard to keep calm and levelheaded for my own son, it’s not easy. All of it effects him so much and its totally not fair because I’m “only a step-mom” with the other two kids and I have no say. Their mother is sure to make that known when it comes to anything involving “her” kids. One day I hope she realizes the trauma she is causing all three of them with her negativity and spitefulness.
~ K
I’m so sorry your family’s having a rough time. Nothing about stepparenting is easy, but I pray you have a good and strong partner to face it together. It’s especially difficult when the coparent sows seeds of discord, but it’s amazing how much better everything is if you can lean on each other (your spouse that is, not the ex 🤔). I wish we could all get along and remember the good of the kids. I pray your family will be a shining example of God’s goodness and mercy and you’ll remember that you’re never alone. God bless you and thanks for stopping by.
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I’m a step mum, I was lucky enough to meet my stepdaughter just before she turned two, it’s been a rough ride full of emotion, pushing boundaries and doing whatever I can to protect her. You are still judged every day especially when you and your partner have full time custody, you’re questioned and even worse your stepchild is questioned. Even though it’s not unusual to have a blended family you’re still looked down upon. There are frustrations I go through some I talk to my partner about some I keep to myself. Being a stepparent is a thankless role, a lonely role at times but I wouldn’t change a thing
I love what you said about not changing a thing. There can be so many frustrations, but at the end of the day, we love our abnormal families. But then all families are abnormal in some way. 😉 Thank you so much for stopping by, Kirsty. I pray every blessing for your family as you learn to love each other as only you can.
I’ve been the stepmom who then became the adopted mom. I’ve also been the child of THREE stepmoms. So, I have tons of experience in this world. You did sum up a lot of the mixed emotions, fears, and hardships that come with being a stepmom. It’s not a role that is easy to be in.
Wow! I bet you have lots of advice you could give! Thanks so much for reading.