A victim mindset is dangerous, but many of us struggle with it. Let’s talk about those dangers along with some reminders to combat it.
Have you ever been in a harmful situation yet never said anything? Instead, you quietly endured it while mentally compiling the hurts for later. Do you find pleasure in telling others about the latest terrible way you were treated and wait for their outrage at such injustice? Have you ever felt that everyone else gets what they want while you suffer? Do you feel that somehow you don’t deserve good things like other people?
All of these things may sound crazy, but I think more of us do it than we like to admit. I know I do.
Now if you’d asked me if I thought I had a victim mindset even two years ago, I probably would’ve said no. Why would I want to be a victim? That makes no sense.
Well, logic doesn’t always dictate our thought patterns and reactions. If only they did, right?
Reflection over my past negative relationships—even wildly different situations—has shown me that my victim mindset was a huge part. Time and again I recall situations where I felt trapped, but instead of actually being trapped by a situation or even someone, I was trapped by my own mindset.
We grow up hearing others talk about their disappointments in life. How all the possibilities when they were younger somehow became all the roads not traveled. And we think there’s no way we’ll let that happen.
And then we do. We turn around one day and wonder when our endless possibilities changed to mistakes made and opportunities missed.
Hindsight is twenty-twenty as they say. Wouldn’t it be nice if we had the benefit of hindsight before a situation? But that’s impossible.
Isn’t it?
While it’s true that we can’t really have hindsight going into a new situation, we do have the hindsight from every situation before to help with similar situations going forward, which can help us to act instead of react. And that could make all the difference in future situations.
A Victim Mindset and It’s Dangers
I’ve given several examples of a victim mindset already, but here’s what I mean by a victim mindset:
- When we stay in a harmful situation and quietly count the grievances instead of speaking up or getting out.
- When we seek attention from others for our hurts.
- When we think life is unfair in the circumstances it deals to us.
I’m sure it’s obvious that staying in a harmful situation is…well…harmful, but sometimes the hardest person to really see is ourselves. We react so many times to situations without thinking about them.
But a victim mindset is worth identifying because there are some serious dangers that go along with it. Things like:
- Bad boundaries
- A lowered self-esteem
- Seeking harmful situations—like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- A pessimistic or cynical point of view
- A lack of responsibility for one’s own actions and decisions
Reminders for the Victim Mindset
#1 – Life isn’t either/or.
I heard once—from my sweet husband I think—that most people think life is a pie. A finite only-so-much-can-possibly-go-around pie.
I thought it was a little crazy at the time and scoffed at all the people who think like that. Whatever.
And then I realized that I do it, too.
Somehow, it’s easy to fall into the fallacy that there is only so much to go around, which can only lead to feeling like a victim to circumstance or luck. And especially jealousy. That shade of green doesn’t look good on anyone.
Even more than thinking circumstances are against me is, it’s pretty much saying that God is against me. Whoa. That’s deep. And so wrong. God couldn’t be more not against me. Christ is proof of that.
#2 – I am not the only one wanting, waiting, needing, or hurting.
All my life I’ve been convinced that I was the only one who felt scared, stupid, alone, and not enough. Like I was the only one dealing with a chronic illness and pain and uncertainty.
But that’s a lie.
As Solomon said, there’s nothing new under the sun. It should be an encouragement that we are not alone, but it should also serve as a reminder that we all have tough stuff to deal with. None of us has the corner market on difficulty.
#3 – Nothing is owed to me.
I have come to realize that one of the biggest hindrances for me is this simple little phrase: I don’t get to.
I don’t get to take a vacation each year like everyone else.
I don’t get to know what it’s like to carry a child and watch her grow.
I don’t get to buy whatever I want at the grocery store.
I don’t get to live in a big house and drive an SUV.
An “I don’t get to” kind of mindset—and even saying the words—implies that I am due all these things in life and ignores all the blessings lavished on me that I didn’t deserve.
I’m practicing turning that false statement into the opposite because the truth is I get so much. I am blessed beyond all measure.
#4 – I ultimately choose how people treat me.
I heard this from a great counselor a while ago, and the first time I did, my defenses rose a little. All those times I was mistreated rolled through my mind like a reel. All those deep hurts inflicted by the carelessness and sometimes cruel intentions of other people.
But then I came to understand and see the truth in what she was saying. In every single situation that rolled through the reel of my mind I was ultimately the one who stayed and/or took on false narratives about myself. I gave each one of them the power to keep hurting me.
#5 – I am not a victim to my circumstances.
I love this quote from Dr. Charles Stanley:
As children of a sovereign God, we are never victims of our circumstances.
Dr. Charles Stanley
Hard things happen in this life, but in most situations, I choose how I will be treated. I choose in which situations I remain. I choose to believe what I will believe about myself—either the lies told to me or the truth of who I am in Christ.
How I wish I could have a little hindsight on the front-end of a situation. 20-20 vision as they say.
But many situations in life overlap in the lessons learned. We can use that.
Going forward we can identify the victim mindset in ourselves and remember that we are not victims at the mercy of our circumstances. We are so much more than that thanks to the awesome God we serve.
Have you ever struggled with a victim mindset? What reminders help you? Let me know in the comments below.
Here’s just a little more reading for ya…
- How to Identify and Deal with a Victim Mentality from Healthline
- 4 Reasons Negative Self-Talk Needs To Go from HISsparrowBlog
- 5 Insidious Lies I Won’t Believe Anymore from HISsparrowBlog
- 5 Simple Reminders for When You Can’t Forgive Yourself for Past Mistakes from HISsparrowBlog
I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Tell His Story with Jeanne Takenaka, and Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola.
Certainly some good points to ponder in your blog. It is very helpful to me in so many ways.
You are an encouragement, Judy! Thank you for all your support.
I suppose, I too, never really thought I had a victim mentality. But I can certainly see some of those tendencies…and, either way, these reminders are great for all of us. Number 4 is really thought-provoking. So much has to do with my response….
And I love Dr. Stanley’s quote. Another great one to continually remind myself that circumstances do not dictate my life, God’s approval or love for me, the truth of scripture, and so much more!!
That is one of my favorite quotes from Dr. Stanley.
Some good points there, especially the comparison victim mindset! So easy to fall into and so detrimental. Thank you for this reflective post.
Thanks for stopping in, Sharon!
I think a lot of us fall into the victim mindset without realizing it. I have often wondered why it is so appealing to portray ourselves as victims. I love the quote from Dr. Stanley too. Thanks for sharing.
That’s an excellent point, Laurie: Why do we want to portray ourselves as victims? It makes no sense, yet we do it. So glad you stopped in today. Thank you.
“As children of a sovereign God, we are never victims of our circumstances” (Dr. Stanley). Great quote!
Yes! I love that one.
Really enjoyed your insight!
Thank you! I’m thankful for your amazing support!
At first I thought, nope, not me. But as I read I realized I fall victim to the ‘I don’t get to’ mindset more often than I’d like to admit. Thank you for pointing these out to us! You’ve given me much to ponder.
That one’s a big one for me. So many times I catch myself doing it and have to tell myself ‘no, that’s a lie.’ Thanks for stopping in, Anita!
So much truth and examples here. Yes, I have fallen into a victim mindset. I sometimes complain and wait for someone else to change, instead of taking action. I know in my childhood I had very little power and so I just accepted what happened. As a child I didn’t know what to do. But like my counselor once said, “You are no longer a child and you have the power and healthy ways of dealing with things now.” We can get out of the victim mindset and instead take action, count our blessings, and believe who God says we are.
That’s great advice, Theresa!
Oh, how easy it is to fall into a victim mentality. Great post. I scheduled all of your graphics on Pinterest. I love #4. I am a big believer that we teach others how to treat us. But boy, is it hard to unravel when we get off on the wrong foot. Thank you for sharing with Grace & Truth Link-Up.Maree
I like how you put that, Maree: we teach others how to treat us. So true. I appreciate your shares and encouragement today! God bless.
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