Dealing with difficult people can be hard. Today we’ll talk about a few things I’ve learned.
Nothing in my upbringing or education taught me how to deal with a difficult person (AKA narcissistic or toxic)—the kind of person you’d have to meet in person to really believe there is such a person.
Subconsciously, I think, I thought I could control how others treated me by being assertive. If they knew I couldn’t be pushed around, I would “teach them a lesson” and they would treat the next person better. How naïve I was.
So then how do you deal with this kind of person? Stick around for a few things I’ve learned about that.
Lessons Learned In Dealing with Difficult People
#1 – DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
This hasn’t been a recent discovery but it has been a recent application. It’s not my fault if another person resorts to name-calling and yelling. Not saying I’m perfect, but I try to treat others the way I want to be treated and all that. Yes, I make mistakes. No, the way to deal with those mistakes is not to yell at me or call me names.
I’ve noticed that many times I didn’t really do anything to prompt such ridicule. I’m dealing with a person who wants to be angry, and I just happen to be the target at the moment.
These kinds of responses say more about the other person than about me. This revelation has been one of the most helpful for me: I didn’t do anything to provoke the inappropriate behavior. They would have behaved like that with or without me.
#2 – IT’S NOT MY PLACE TO PUT THEM IN THEIRS, AND IT DOESN’T DO ANY GOOD TO TRY.
In the times that I’ve fought back, I’ve only made matters worse. What starts as defending myself or a loved one against an insult or lie becomes an all-out war with no resemblance to the original issue.
I believe this is because I’m taking over what God has said is His, and the only way for that to go is badly.
#3 – I DO HAVE POWER.
Interacting with a difficult person can be draining and can feel hopeless. I don’t know what it is about them, but they have a knack for making others feel less. For getting a rise out of us and then blaming us for it.
The truth is I have the power to not respond the way they want. I have all the power to smile and act respectfully. It takes much more strength to respond this way, but it’s so worth it.
#4 – HOW DO I REACT TO A DIFFICULT PERSON?
I think this is a better question to ask than how to deal with them. Dealing with a person implies to me that I’m expecting my actions to change them somehow. As we’ve discussed, it’s not my place to do that. And I can’t.
I have to focus on myself, which probably seems a bit counterintuitive for a Christian to say. After all, shouldn’t our focus be on the Lord and not ourselves? Well, yes. But what I mean is focusing on assessing and cleansing my own heart (through God, of course) and praying that God softens the other person’s heart, for their good and not my convenience.
I struggle with putting these things into practice, which will continue I’m sure. However, the biggest thing I’ve learned is really about myself and my motivations. It’s not about teaching another person a lesson. It’s about showing love to someone who needs Jesus, and it’s easier to do that when I remember all these points.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? HAVE YOU DEALT WITH A PERSON LIKE I’VE DESCRIBED HERE? WHAT DID YOU LEARN IN THE PROCESS? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS BELOW.
*** This post was revised from the archives. Check out the original here. ***
MORE READING…
- Identity in Christ 3 Simple But Encouraging Steps from HISsparrowBlog
- 4 Dangerous Signs Legalism Has Poisoned Your Faith from HISsparrowBlog
- How to Forgive: 4 Simple Yet Effective Reminders from HISsparrowBlog
I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Tell His Story with Jeanne Takenaka, and Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola.
Ashley, you have no idea how much I needed this today. Thank you so very much. I’ll remember these things as I deal with the narcissist in my life forever.
I’m sorry you have to deal with a difficult person, but I’m so glad you were encouraged. Thanks for reading, Valerie! God bless.
This is such wise counsel, Ashley. It’s so hard not to take things personally, but it really does make a huge difference.
Yes, not taking things personally makes such a difference, but it’s so hard to do sometimes. Thank you for reading, Lois!
Such good advice. I had someone like this in my life who was an authority figure. It took a long time to realize that his responses were his problem and not something I triggered, that I was just the target at the moment, as you put it. I tended to “hide” to stay off his radar. A better response would have been your last Scripture meme–to show Him kindness.
Hiding is definitely an inclination I struggle with in so many areas, and it’s understandable in situations with difficult people. Thanks so much for commenting, Barbara!
Sound advise here, Ashley. #1 is very important, including when serving in a customer service role. Some people just want to be angry. My response just had to be “I hear you,” even if they were incorrect in their reasoning (at least in my mind). I’d want to defend, or to correct them, but when someone is angry, I learned it is best to let them vent. And for me to let go of wanting to be right.
Yes, Lynn. Letting go of being right can be so hard sometimes. Thank you for commenting!