Have you been hurt by someone? Do you replay what happened over and over? Do you wait for the day that person will pay for what they did? Check out this post on why unforgiveness is a danger to us and how to forgive.

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They say to live is to suffer and to survive is to find meaning in the suffering. While there is much in such a pessimistic view that troubles me, I can’t deny that with living—and loving—comes pain.

And the need to forgive.

What happens when someone we love is hurt badly? Or the line is crossed in matters of the heart? Or when we’re hurt deeply intentionally? 

Forgiveness can be difficult because the head and the heart battle one another. It feels satisfying and just to hold on to the hurt. But like a drug that disguises its true danger and entices us to abandon ourselves, unforgiveness intoxicates us with the desire for a reckoning that won’t happen.

But how do we forgive? When our own hearts work against us? When we don’t know how to let go of the hurt and anger? Stay tuned. We’re going to talk about just that.

Matters of the Heart

I was naive enough at one point in my life to think that I was good at forgiveness. Like it was some kind of gift.

Sure, I’d been hurt before—in some big ways you might say. But what I didn’t know about unforgiveness then was that the type of hurt doesn’t necessarily predict its hold on us.

I wrote part of my story that led to my wanting to take my own life in another post, so I won’t go into all that here. But what I didn’t touch on in that post was how after I made it through the desire to end it myself, unforgiveness consumed me.

See, I met someone who took my dreams and used them against me—who pretended to be what I wanted and then took that hope from me.

He intentionally hurt me.

Maybe that was part of the reason forgiveness had come so easily for me before. Even the loss of someone dear to me was forgiven when it was careless teenage negligence. But not intentional.

I made it past wanting to end my life, but what I couldn’t see then was that I was in danger of dying another sort of death—one to bitterness.

Problems with Unforgiveness

Let’s take a look at why unforgiveness is so bad before we get into how to forgive. It’s important to know the why of things, but with unforgiveness, there’s a huge component of blindness—or should I say justification?—that comes with it. We convince ourselves of the justness of holding on.

#1 – It causes us to hyper-focus on self.

Pretty much all I could think about during my season of unforgiveness was the betrayal. I don’t even know how long that was.

It’s natural to make moves to protect ourselves from those things that harm us—to insulate ourselves. But when that hurt leads to unforgiveness, we seem to get stuck on the self part. 

We cease to see all the good in our lives—our many blessings, those people who love us, the things we love—to focus on that injured part of us.

#2 – It leads to bitterness.

With a focus on ourselves and the negative, we will forget the good in our lives. They say our minds are like computers: they spit out what we put in. We can’t expect to compute peace, love, and joy when the data going in is made up of anger, hate, and vengeance.

#3 – All relationships suffer.

Bitterness can only lead us to mistreat those who love us with unkind words and thoughtless actions. 

A bitter heart magnifies the small irritations from those who love us to even sometimes see malicious motivations where there are none.

#4 – It never solves the problem. It Just causes others.

I think one big lie often leads to unforgiveness: that we must hold on or the other person wins. The offending party must learn their lesson, and, until they do, we must remember what they did to hold them accountable. 

Unforgiveness can never teach a lesson. Instead, it will promise retribution while sucking us into a deep dark hole. Feeding that darkness inside feels good, but unforgiveness can never make good on its promise.

#5 – Unforgiveness actually exacerbates the pain.

Darkness can never alleviate our pain. Only surrender to God can save us.

#6 – It’s the opposite of what God did for us. And what we’re called to do. 

We know this in our heads, but when the heart is wounded so badly, it can be hard to remember the central tenants of our faith: love God with everything that’s in us and love our neighbors as ourselves, because Christ first loved us.

How to Forgive

I can’t remember how long I gave myself over to unforgiveness, but one day it hit me that I wasn’t a nice person to be around anymore. I was taking out the hardness in my heart on everyone who really loved me. 

That’s when I knew that I couldn’t continue like I was, but I was lost as to how to accomplish what seemed impossible.  

It took me a while after that revelation before I was able to finally forgive, but these steps were all involved. Maybe they can help you.

#1 – Recognize the value in forgiveness.

Unforgiveness can feel really good in the moment. That hate and rage and hurt feed a growing problem inside us—almost like another entity within—and our logical side shuts down. We don’t want to think about anything other than our pain and hurt. 

So the first step is really to get to the place where you realize the cost of bitterness to yourself and everyone who loves you.

#2 – Know that there will be justice. Don’t do anything that requires the same for yourself.  

This saying comes to mind a lot for me: You’re not responsible for the actions of others, but you are responsible for your own—including your reactions. 

Whether the hurt was intentional or not, we can never achieve retribution ourselves. We will only bring guilt upon us in a situation where we might have started guiltless.

But God will repay. No one really gets away with anything.

#3 – Remember that if unforgiveness was the standard, then we would still be unforgiven by God. 

Regardless of my innocence in one situation or another, I am a sinner. I am guilty. By the definition of unforgiveness, I would have stayed lost.

#4 – Pray. Pray. Pray. 

It may seem like every Christian living blogger’s answer to everything is prayer, and it kinda is, but we can’t forgive on our own. We need supernatural power for something that’s really unnatural to us. 

Our carnal natures want to feed those negative emotions. Pray to God for help. Pray for a changed heart. Get it all off your chest. Then give your hurt to Him. And ask Him to help you forgive repeatedly.

He will answer.

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They say to live is to suffer and to survive is to find meaning in the suffering. Unfortunately, this may be true. But I know it to be true that, like the sun shines after the storm, pain and suffering don’t get the last word for the believer.

Have you experienced a time of unforgiveness? Please share what helped you get past it in the comments below. 

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More reading….

• How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Repeatedly from Flourishing Today
• Suicide: My Story from HISsparrowBlog

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I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Tell His Story with Jeanne Takenaka, and Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola.