I’ve always thought I had good manners. My mama worked really hard to teach me the simple social graces that come with living in relationship, and now that I’m grown, surely I have all that figured out, right?

I can conduct myself with a measure of grace. I know to always push the chair to the table after dinner. Clean up after myself. Say “thank you” when someone gives a gift.

What else is there?

Lately, I’ve been thinking that maybe there’s a lot more to it.

A lot.

Maybe social graces have less to do with me, and how I’m perceived, than with how others are affected.

The more I grow in faith, the more I realize that I must look outside myself. My focus has to be on Christ, and the good of others must be more important to me than my own.

It’s a beautiful thing when we can understand and accept our value through the great love God has for us, but we’re missing something if we never do anything with that knowledge.

The more we can grasp how loved we are, the more we can love our neighbor, because that’s the answer: looking beyond ourselves to show others the same love we’ve known.

And the small things do matter.

The Christian witness sometimes can come down to the smallest things. At least those things we think are small.

I have found that others notice the small sometimes more than the big. Unbelievers usually understand inherently it’s wrong to drink excessively, curse, and sleep around, but I think many times what makes the most difference in our witness is how we act in the small ways—in those ways that’re contrary to our nature.

How do we respond in those times we think are too small for anyone to notice?

Social Grace #1: Saying “thank you” when we don’t feel like it.

Most of us practiced this response so much as children it’s been drilled into us. Every Christmas or birthday provided multiple opportunities for the “what-do-you-say?” lead-in from parents.

We picked up the habit for the most part. But what about when it’s hard? Like when that person who just really gets under your skin unexpectedly does something nice?

Nothing shows the love of Christ than undeserved kindness.

Social Grace #2: Admitting fault.

I hate this one, honestly. Who wants to admit you’re wrong? I can hear the gloating now, can’t you?

Ironically, we all know we can’t always be right, but there’s still this deep-seated fear that others will find out our secret. While we get a lot of satisfaction when we’re right, we deny others the courtesy and grace of admitting our own fault.

It’s a great gift to a person who’s been wronged to hear our confession and apology, and whether they respond well or not, I’m sure they can’t help but be affected by something so opposite nature.

Social Grace #3: Giving credit where it’s due.

I can’t count all the times someone has dismissed my idea only to pick it up as their own later. That really gets my goat, as they say. But how many times have I done the same to someone else? Probably just as many.

My husband is the king of giving those around him credit. Even though half the time I have no idea what he’s talking about, I always feel appreciated when he talks about the great idea I had. I feel seen and heard.

Social Grace #4: Dropping the issue—even though you know you’re right.

A bulldog with his bone has nothing on me when I know I’m right and someone else refuses to see it.

I’m not sure what it is in us that wants to make sure everyone around us understands just how smart, insightful, and together we are, but whatever that is, it’s so strong that we focus on what someone else thinks of us than on their good.

We get frustrated that others won’t concede the point when they’re obviously wrong, but sometimes you just gotta quit. Sometimes it’s better to drop something for the sake of the other person and your relationship than to fight it out.

Having the last word does not an argument win.

More and more in my Christian walk I’m learning it has to begin to have less focus on myself and more on others. So many times our witness is either strengthened or hurt by the small things we think no one notices.

How good are you at these social graces? Can you think of any others to add? Be sure to share in the comments below.

Additional Resources

• 5 Secrets to Being a Good Listener from HISsparrowBlog
• 4 Things Difficult People Have Taught Me from HISsparrowBlog
• What Does the Bible Say About Behavior? from OpenBible