Listening is a skill we can always seek to improve. Today we’ll talk about some tips for being a better listener for the people in our lives.

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I’ve realized being a good listener doesn’t come naturally for me anymore. I can tell you the revelation has disturbed me a lot. Good listening skills are essential to all good relationships.

I don’t think this has always been true, though. Many people have expressed appreciation to me for lending an ear over the years, but that’s happened less and less in the last decade or so.

Then

As a shy kid who struggled with feeling dumb, I didn’t talk much. I’m not sure if I knew the saying at the time, but “Better to keep quiet and be thought a fool than to remove all doubt” described my feelings exactly.

I preferred to observe.

The actions, words, and reactions of other people were fascinating to me, and I studied them for years. I thought maybe, one day, I’d know how I should act. What to say.

And Now

Whereas low self-esteem characterized my childhood, my adulthood has been characterized by understanding who I am.

God’s been showing me my whole life how much He loves me, but it’s been the last decade or so I’ve actually paid attention. And don’t ask me why I’ve struggled with self-esteem because I’ve had wonderful people in my life—all my life—who’ve shown me unconditional love.

I was blessed with a mother who lived out sacrificial love for me. The kind of woman who’d give my brother and me her last piece of proverbial bread. She poured love and encouragement into me, and then I met my husband who’s so giving and encouraging sometimes I wonder if he sees the bad in me.

I struggle less and less with thoughts that I’m stupid, ugly, or less than enough because I can see God the Gracious in the blessings that have always been there for me to remember, God the Deliverer in every mistake I ever made, and God the Hiding Place in every hurt I never thought would heal.

That little voice in the back of my mind I’ve had since I was a kid has been a lot quieter these days because there’s a new voice—sweeter, gentler—that tells me what my mom tried to tell me for years: I’m beautiful, smart, and have a unique blend of skills to reach others for Christ.

But isn’t it funny how sometimes a good thing can influence another area negatively? I guess sometimes we turn around and realize we’ve lost focus in one area while we were busy bringing another into focus.

With a better understanding of who I am in Christ as my self-esteem has improved, I’ve turned to find my listening skills are a big blur. I realize I’m quicker to talk, think I’m right, and want to “fix,” which comes from a place of wanting to help, but I’ve got to get back to the basics.

Tips to Being a Good Listener

#1 – Make eye contact.

Multi-taskers like to combine talking with someone with other things: cooking dinner, looking something up on the phone, or grabbing something real quick from the next room. It’s nice to talk with someone and get the things of life done. But sometimes I have to remember to stop and look them in the eye.

Nothing makes a person feel more heard than eye contact, and I am more likely to hear what they say when my eyes—my focus—is on their eyes and face and body language.

#2 – Think about what they’re saying.

And of course, with eye contact must come an effort to hear. I have to stop thinking on my to-do list, what I want to say next, or how I should respond when they stop talking.

#3 – Don’t judge what they’re saying as right or wrong.

Sometimes what a person says surprises me, and I find myself dumbstruck at how they could possibly think such a thing.

I’m so caught up on the right or wrong I perceive in what they’ve said that I lose focus on what they’re saying. I lose the heart behind it.

But sometimes I need to imagine how they’re feeling.

#4 – Uncross the arms.

Avoid the body language that tends to make you look closed off: crossed arms, cockeyed shoulders, body turned away.

Sometimes we think, “I’m just crossing my arms because I’m cold,” but I know I tend to be more open when my body language is—a take action and let the emotion follow kind of thing.

#5 – Think back over the conversation after it’s ended.

Not in a critical way. Run the conversation back through my head, so I’ll be more likely to remember it.

It’ll mean a lot when that person doesn’t have to repeat what they told me in the previous conversation.

And I might know how to help them in the future. Even something as small—or big—as what gift they’d like for Christmas.

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I don’t know if you’ve struggled with the same things I have, but I think these secrets can be universal no matter the root cause. Good listening skills are essential to all our relationships and showing the light of Christ to others.

What tips do you find most helpful to be a good listener? Let me know in the comments.

*** This post was revised from the archives. Check out the original here. ***

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more reading

• Flattery vs Encouragement: How to Give Genuine Encouragement from HISsparrowBlog
• Dealing with Difficult People 4 Simple Lessons from HISsparrowBlog
• Simple as That: What to Remember About Purpose as a Christian from HISsparrowBlog

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I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Tell His Story with Jeanne Takenaka, and Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola.