The shoulds block each of us at one time or another. It can be frustrating when they come around again, but there are ways to combat them. We’ll talk about several tips today to stop shoulding ourselves and others.
I sit here staring at my computer. Again.
The blank page has been that way for a long time now, and the longer it stays that way, the more my creative juices congeal.
This isn’t the first time this has happened. If you’ve been around HISsparrowBlog long at all, then you know this well.
Usually, frustration builds until I turn away. Then fear and guilt join in. It reaches a point where I’m sure I’ll never have anything else to give. And then, finally, the pressure releases, and I realize I’m blocked—yet again.
Recently, I was listening to a podcast by a gifted therapist for neurodivergent relationships named Jodi Carlton, and she mentioned the “shoulds.” The term has stuck with me, and I’ve realized that’s exactly what happens to me periodically—I get stuck in the shoulds.
Whether you’re a blogger reading this or not, I’m guessing you can relate. The shoulds can overwhelm and block us in all areas of our lives.
I should be getting to work fifteen minutes early each morning.
I should be feeding my kids fresh, home-cooked meals every day.
I should be keeping my house spotless.
I should be reading multiple chapters in my Bible every day. And working on a Bible study. And praying for every person I know every day.
But, if you’re like me, you set a standard you “should” meet that’s so unrealistic and overwhelming you struggle to do anything.
Then comes the discouragement and questioning your abilities and worth.
We all know what the process is like— frustration, guilt, hopelessness, shame, and so on. Yet, somehow, we turn around and do the same thing to others. We like to tell other people how we think they should be dressing, acting, and living.
Why We Gotta Stop Shoulding Ourselves and Others
#1 – They’re usually unrealistic.
#2 – They’re rarely motivating.
#3 – They tend to block progress.
#4 – They allow no room for grace.
#5 – They block all the joy and fun.
#6 – They’re un-Christlike.
Simple Tips for Quitting the Shoulds
It’s easy to fall right into another shoulding session as we’re trying to quit. Ironic, I know.
But here are a few tips I’m using lately to combat the shoulds:
For Ourselves
#1 – Review the value.
Many things on our to-do lists have a certain value. It helps sometimes to reevaluate the true value.
#2 – Ask if it’s realistic.
Then we must decide if the task is unrealistic. Many things could add a lot of value in my life—if I could do them. I can’t do them all.
So, in addition to deciding if the should is valuable, we should ask if it’s realistic in relation to everything else in our lives.
#3 – Remember there are seasons.
This is similar to the previous point, but, if you’re like me, you need this reminder. Things can be realistic in some seasons and not others. That’s okay.
A parent with small children who wakes up before the sun each morning may not need to try to do morning devotionals only to get frustrated.
Someone with chronic illness may have different times when they can do more—physically or mentally. Perhaps cleaning house will look different depending on energy level. While I’m on that point, check out this post on cleaning hacks for chronic illness. It could be useful even if you don’t have a chronic illness—just a busy life.
#4 – Extend grace.
Even for those tasks that are valuable and necessary, there will be times when we…just…can’t right then. That’s okay.
#5 – Remember we’re terrible rule-followers.
It’s okay because we can’t follow all the rules all the time. That’s the whole point.
If we could follow all the rules, we wouldn’t have needed Jesus to do it for us; instead, we’d probably all be living in Eden naked with Adam and Eve.
For Others
#1 – Remember all the reminders we had for ourselves—and double them.
As hard as it is to recognize our own limitations, sometimes we don’t extend that same care to others. We forget that others are dealing with the same insecurities and struggles we are. They may look a little different for each of us, but we’re really all the same.
Getting stuck in the shoulds can be frustrating and unproductive, but we don’t have to stay there.
What tips help you quit shoulding yourself and others? Let me know in the comments below.
More reading
- 5 Simple Things the People-Pleaser Should Remember from HISsparrowBlog
- 5 Simple Tips for Reading Your Bible {+ 3 Bible Reading Plans} from HISsparrowBlog
- Judgment versus Discernment: The Golden Rule from HISsparrowBlog
I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Tell His Story with Jeanne Takenaka, and Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola.
This is so good, Ashley. It’s amazing to me how we keep loading ourselves up with things we should do. Someone has said that life’s struggles are not so much good against bad (though that’s important, too), but against better and best. I’ve had to learn repeatedly through life that I can’t do all I’d like to do or even all I feel I should do, even if others seem to be able to.
I like that, Barbara: “better and best.” It’s a common lesson for us all, isn’t it? Thank you so much for commenting!
Great tips and wisdom when it comes to the “shoulds” in our lives. I like the reminder that we all have seasons in our lives. A season does have an end because that is how God planned them.
Yes, seasons do have an end. What an encouragement that can be, right? Thanks so much for stopping in!
Lately I have been thinking about expectations – what do I expect from myself each day? I think expectations can also be called “shoulds” which is why this post resonated with me. Wonderful and practical suggestions to read today.
Yes, so many times our expectations are unreasonable for ourselves. Thank you for commenting, Joanne!
What a fantastic post, Ashley! I’ll share it as the featured post at the Grace & Truth linkup at my blog tomorrow.
I try to limit the “shoulds” I put on myself, but they pop up in my head so quickly and effortlessly, unfortunately. I love your tips for quitting them, both for ourselves and others (because I struggle with both).
Thank you so much for the feature, Lisa!
Great advice Ashley! I find myself saying “should” way too often and for all the wrong reasons!
Yes! Me too!
These are wonderful tips on how to quit the “should” in our lives. Dropping “should” from my vocabulary has helped me to stop “shoulding” on myself. As soon as we say “I should” our posture can even change! — from standing tall to hunched. Replacing “should” with “can” or “I will” or “I choose to” shifts us toward a positive mindset.
That’s a wonderful idea, Lynn! I’ll have to give it a try. Thanks so much for commenting!
Oh boy Ashley, you sure spoke to the heart of the matter here. I’m such a should person. A chronic illnesses one but nonetheless am one. And I can relate staring at that blank page. I love that you shared what you’ve been doing to combat those shoulds. I’ve bookmarked this and pinned 📌 so I can reference regularly.
Visiting today from Joanne’s
Yes, the shoulds can really get you, can’t they? Thanks so much for stopping in, Paula!