Are you in a dating relationship and wondering if you should marry? Well, be sure to check out these dating red flags first.

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It’s no secret to anybody these days that divorce rates are out of control. There’s a lot of speculation about the cause: money problems, married too young, changing personalities, etc.

But I wonder if it really comes down to the fact that so many of us ignore the red flags while dating.

Sometimes I think back to my dating era. Hindsight has brought quite a lot to my attention. Wouldn’t it be nice to have the benefit of hindsight earlier? There were glaring red flags I didn’t allow myself to address at the time, which led to a lot of heartache. I didn’t marry any of those heartaches—thank goodness!—but it’s disturbing to me now just how close I came to marrying the wrong person.

I love to talk about identity here at HISsparrowBlog, and marriage can tear down or build up. But God designed marriage to mirror our own relationship with Him—to strengthen our understanding of His sacrificial and undeserved love for us. 

It’s so easy to marry someone because they’re there, the thought of starting over intimidates you, or you don’t realize that it’s really not supposed to be that way.

I would have loved to have the benefit of my hindsight twenty years ago, but that’s just not possible. What is possible, though, is for someone else to benefit from it. I thought I’d put together a little list of red flags so even one less person is spared the heartache of sticking with the wrong person.

But first…

I want to talk about the intention for this list. I’ve found that lists can really be tricky when applied to the dating world. Rarely can a list point us to the man God has for us. You know the lists I’m talking about: desired profession, hobbies, looks… Yeah. Every person I dated who fulfilled my list was a colossal mistake. 

My husband is so much more than that list, and he wouldn’t have met much of the criteria on it. He doesn’t particularly care about horses or living in the country. But he does meet the criteria of my new list: heart for God, loves me, supports me, makes me better….

Sorry, I’m getting carried away there.

Now a list of red flags is slightly different than one of desired qualities, but I think it could be helpful. Sometimes it’s hard to identify those problems in the moment. When you’re too close. When you can’t quite put your finger on something.  

I haven’t arranged these in any particular order. I’ve also used male pronouns, since over 90 percent of my readers are female, but these red flags work for either gender. 

Read through what I’ve put together. Maybe it’ll help you. And remember to always pray about the one you date. Seek God’s best for you.   

Dating Red Flags That Should Make You Think Twice About Marriage

#1 – He was wild before you and is “changing” just for you. 

Almost every romantic movie I’ve watched and book I’ve read features some variation of beauty and the beast. The beast treats everyone around him badly and the beauty will tame him if she makes it past all the mean to the sweet heart inside.

Yeah, I tried that. It was a big fat lie.

The truth is: he may be playing you. And even if he’s not intentionally trying to hurt you, his changes won’t last unless his heart has changed. A Holy Spirit kind of change.

#2 – You don’t trust him with your most precious…whatever—thoughts, dreams, money, other close relationships.

Your mate should be the one with whom you can be most vulnerable. That includes whatever is most important to you. Is he kind to your parents or siblings? Would you vouch for him to be honorable with money?  

#3 – The only feedback you get from him is on your looks. 

It’s nice to know your significant other thinks you’re pretty, but that shouldn’t be all he thinks is noteworthy about you. The right person for you will not only think you’re attractive but will love your mind and personality. 

#4 – Anything about the relationship is ethically, biblically, or legally wrong.

God does not contradict Himself: He does not bless relationships outside His instructions for us. He wants the best for us.    

#5 – He’s not of your faith. Or living it out. 

I’m sure you’ve seen it once if not a hundred times if you’ve read any biblical dating advice, but it really is so important to be equally yoked with your mate. You will not pull him to the faith while dating him. He will pull you away. And what happens when you have children with him?

I’d also like to just throw out there that you should pay attention to how he lives and treats people. Does he say he’s a Christian but treats the waiter either subservient or flirty? Does he read his Bible? 

#6 – You’re ignoring a disquieting voice in the back of your mind and focusing on the good. 

This one can actually be a little tricky. We can be really good when we want at ignoring what the Holy Spirit is telling us is bad. And we’re really good at ignoring the bad for that little bit of good.  

#7 – He brings out the worst in you.

Do you make bad decisions with him? Do you compromise your own values? Does your relationship with him hurt your spiritual relationship? 

#8 – You find yourself compromising your core/important issues. 

This is really related to the last point, but it’s important enough for its own slot. Marriage requires unity, which can’t happen if you don’t agree on the big issues. 

#9 – He doesn’t treat you with respect and care in the little things. 

Does he imply that you’re stupid when you don’t like what he likes? Is the only time you feel loved by him when he buys you something or when he drops one complement after a dozen bad ones? 

#10 – You’re expected to look a certain way for him. 

This point is close to #3, but it’s important. You don’t have to be all dolled up or wearing designer clothes to be beautiful to the one who was made for you. Not to mention, this one indicates some controlling behavior. Not cool.

#11 – “Life’s not a fairy tale” is a kind of mantra for you.

While it’s true that life isn’t a fairy tale, you should never feel that way because of how your mate treats you. Life will throw you some doozies but, even though your mate has flaws, life should be easier with him by your side—not harder.  

#12 – You find yourself questioning your own sanity, logic, or experience.

Never okay.

#13 – He treats you differently around other people. 

He should never ignore you, talk down to you, or talk badly about you in public. Instead, he should be your best cheerleader, support, and encouragement.

#14 – You expect him to change. 

Oh, my. I think we’re programmed to dream of a man who wants to be a better man because of us. That’s not healthy. If he is living a life for God, he will want to be the man God wants him to be, which will be what you need.

Never overlook what should be a deal-breaker because you think he has potential.

#15 – God’s love for you isn’t reflected through him. 

We’ve touched on this already, but it’s so important. This may be one of the biggest red flags. God loves marriage. He loves you. He won’t send you someone who tears you down. 

#16 – Either of you just wants to have fun with no commitment to a future.

There is no such thing as having a little fun for the moment. It will end in heartbreak.  

#17 – He’s lying about anything. 

Anything. Does he lie to his boss? On his taxes? Does he tell his mother white lies? 

#18 – Your relationship is a roller coaster of highs and lows.  

There will be good times and bad in any relationship, but the bad should not outweigh the good—and the difference between the two should not be drastic. 

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Congratulations if you got this far. This was a long list, and it’s not even exhaustive, but I pray you benefit from my hindsight if you are in a bad relationship. 

Don’t hang out in a bad situation because you’re afraid to start over. Or you think that’s just how it is. 

That’s not how it’s supposed to be. And it’s better to break up with someone than to marry them and either “stick it out” in an unhealthy relationship or become a statistic.

Seek God’s best for you.

What are your red flags? Let me know in the comments below. 

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Some more reading for ya…

• Is It Possible to Desire Marriage and Still Be Content As a Single? from All Things Allison Marie
• 8 Questions Christians Singles Need To Ask Before Dating from Graceful Abandon
• How to Know if He’s the One from HISsparrowBlog
• How Much Work DOES Marriage Take? from HISsparrowBlog

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I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Tell His Story with Jeanne Takenaka, and Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola.