Marriage is one of God’s greatest gifts to us, but it can be easy to lose sight of our own sense of individuality. Today we’ll talk about preserving personal identity while also honoring our marriages.
I love writing marriage posts this time of year in honor of my wedding anniversary—and the beautiful gift that is my husband. It’s been almost a decade now since that beautiful fall day when we pledged our lives to each other. Time has sure flown.
Marriage to my sweet husband has been all at once everything I knew it should be and more than I could have hoped. Seeing myself through his eyes has helped me to see myself through God’s eyes—my Bridegroom. I can see in a new way that am loved. I am enough. Worthy.
What kind of eggs do you like?
An odd question, I know, but if you’ve ever seen Runaway Bride, with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere, then you know that’s the question Graham (Gere) asked Maggie (Roberts) in the movie.
Maggie had already jilted three men at the altar and soon planned to walk down the aisle a fourth time. Graham, a journalist who’d been fired for failing to verify the information in his first article about Maggie, planned to write another detailed, fact-checked article on her next wedding to earn his job back.
His guess? She’d do the same to this poor sap.
Maggie couldn’t answer his question, because she just happened to eat her eggs like each fiancé of the moment. Scrambled, fried, poached, and then egg whites only: he told her she was so lost, she didn’t even know what kind of eggs she liked.
And he was right.
Now Runaway Bride may be a bit extreme; I doubt many people have Maggie’s track record, but it serves as a fictional example for the real world. A woman’s weakness is the tendency to give ourselves to our roles.
A good marriage is such a blessing, and I am beyond thankful for my relationship with my husband. His kindness, consideration, and support have been instrumental in my understanding of myself. His love and support and encouragement have helped me to see myself in a new way.
But have I missed something? Did I miss a step in my understanding of what it means to be one? As I’ve confessed before, I have a problem with people-pleasing and the problem with that is sometimes I unconsciously mold myself into being like another person or what I think they want.
My people-pleasing journey—or maybe I should say my being-me journey—has taken me years. I’m still working on it.
And I’ve realized I’ve spent a lot of my life not knowing what kind of eggs I like.
Reminders for Maintaining Personal Identity in Marriage
#1 – Our marriage is stronger when we’re different.
He is high energy. I am low. He’s administratively gifted. I’m better at the abstract.
My husband is a remarkable man. He laments the fact that he’s not exceptional at anything, but what he doesn’t realize is that he’s really good at all kinds of things. He’s so well-rounded on the talent scale.
And then he’s loyal, hard-working, and honest.
He’s a wonderful person—more than I dreamed. I know he would never want me to be anything but myself. I have my own qualities—different from his—that complement his, and together we make a good match. Together but different, our marriage makes up a puzzle.
#2 – I’m called to become more Christ-like—not more like my husband.
We can’t make ourselves into another person. Duh.
Almost a decade in to my marriage and I look around and realize that maybe I strayed in my understanding of what a good marriage is. It’s not becoming more like my husband.
It’s becoming more like Christ together.
It’s not taking his desires as my own; that’s not fair to either of us.
I like my eggs scrambled and sometimes fried. I’m still learning other things about myself, but then maybe we all are. I look forward to learning more together with my husband.
Have you forgotten your personal identity in marriage? What helped you? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.
Similar reading….
- 10 Little Things To Do For My Spouse from HISsparrowBlog
- 5 Signs You May Be a People-Pleaser {+ 6 Verses to Remember} from HISsparrowBlog
- 5 Little Things My Husband Does That I Love from HISsparrowBlog
- Losing Your Identity When Marriage Gets Messy from Beth Steffaniak at Messy Marriage
- How to Apply and Integrate Your Identity in Marriage Troubles from Beth Steffaniak at Messy Marriage
I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Tell His Story with Jeanne Takenaka, and Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola.
I enjoyed this topic, thank you for addressing it. I would like to point out that often times people pleasing comes from childhood wounds and if not discovered can leave you in this “lost” space. In my own marriage of 28 years, fear of man has caused both my husband and I to disregard our preferred “type of eggs” under the guise of “keeping the peace”, “not wanting to rock the boat” or simply it was just easier. These mind sets however, have taken their toll on our communication. This has resulted in an inability to communicate our individual needs to each other, aka. lack of communication or even dishonesty. This then morphed into lack of trust and finally diminished friendship. Those childhood wounds are usually lies, that if not recognized, undermine what marriage is supposed to be. This is a call to arms, we must be aware of the little things that steal our integrity one thought or choice at a time! We are in a battle that has been won! Marriage, a Godly marriage, is our enemy’s greatest threat. We must be honest with ourselves first, this is where it starts. Thanks for opening this conversation, May The Lord Bless and keep you under His wing!! Cris
You make some excellent points, Cris. We must be honest with ourselves and our spouses. Thanks so much for your comment today!
Love your emphasis on being transformed into Christ’s image rather than our husband’s images, friend! Also, I’m so grateful that you shared some permalinks to messymarriage! Thank you for that and I hope you have a great day!
You have so many great articles on marriage, Beth!
Loved this blog!
Thank you for your never-ending support!
Thank you for this little reminder. Really it is makes a huge difference if not for him at least I know that I am doing the Very Best that I can for Him. Thanks for reaching out.
Thank you for your comment, Bobbie!
Loved reading your blog. Happy anniversary and many more to come.
Thank you, Judy!
Two great points that I hope are being taught more than when I got married. I too lost myself some as a people pleaser. Thankfully my husband wants me to be different and not a copy of him. That’s what attracted him to me, our differentness. But sometimes we do get mixed up and try to just please and become like the other person. Instead of becoming like Christ. Such a great point. And the more we become like Christ the more our mate will see themself through God’s eyes.
Excellent point, Theresa! We are called to show Christ to our spouses, and we can only do that by letting Him work through our authentic selves. Thanks so much for commenting!
I lost myself in my first marriage but I have a wonderful second husband of 39 years who has always encouraged me to blossom. And, vice versa.
What a blessing, Susan!
This is a great reinforcement to the idea that difference does not necessarily equal conflict.Thank you for sharing your story.
Yes, Michele. I’m always having to re-learn that!
Loved reading this! Thanks for sharing. You are a talented young lady.
Thank you, Tammy! I’m surrounded by such great support!
Ashley, such a good post. My husband and I are quite different and for that I am grateful. He is my best friend and in many ways, has caused me to grow. We have both grown and changed making for a stronger marriage. And hopefully in the process, we became more like the One who brought us together.
You’re right, Joanne: Our differences are a wonderful tool for individual and marital growth. Thank you for your comments!
Happy Anniversary! Thank you for sharing this delightful post with us at Grace & Truth Link-Up. I too am a people pleaser but somehow I have managed to keep my own identity . We are very different and I don’t like eggs.
I loved reading what you love about your husband. You have prompted me to make a list and give it to my hubby. I don’t share enough of what I love about him.
Ha! Love how you own your choice in not liking any kind of eggs. 🙂 Making a list to share with our husbands is an excellent idea, Maree!
Ashley, such simple thoughts, but altogether beautiful as well. Your two points of a marriage being stronger when husband and wife are different (& celebrate those differences!) & that we are called to be more like Christ NOT one another are so spot on. Happy Anniversary and thank you for sharing such great marriage advice!
Sometimes simple is everything, right? Thank you for commenting today, Donna!
As a constantly reforming people-pleaser, I can identify! My husband and I are opposites in so many ways and I’m so thankful that my husband of 40 years has encouraged me to be me in so many ways. I love what you said about becoming more like Christ. It’s what makes a marriage sing!
I love that, Donna: reforming people-pleaser. What a blessing to have husbands who encourage us to be ourselves—and help us in our people-pleasing betterment. 😉 Thanks so much for commenting today!
Becoming more like Christ, not our husbands, is a great way to put it, Ashley! I appreciate your emphasis on remaining who Christ made us to be, not trying to extinguish our differences. There is beauty in the variety. 🙂
Yes, beauty in the variety! Love it, Lisa. Thanks for commenting!