How do you know when you’ve found the one? Many of us make lists, so we’ll spot Mr. Right, but is that really a good practice for something so important? Today we’ll talk about how to know if he’s a catch and how to know if he’s the one. 

I answered each of her questions; there were a lot. She kept asking me if I minded, but I didn’t. I can’t remember what prompted her twenty questions. Maybe she saw my sweet husband when she called me back to my room for my test.

How did you meet? What does he do? Do you have kids? Does he have kids?

I answered each of her questions, reminded of how it felt to still be waiting on that special one. I heard her longing and confusion and impatience louder than her rapid-fire questions.

How did you know? How did you know he was the one for you?

Forget the List

Are you single? If so, then let me ask you: do you have a list? You know what list I mean, don’t-cha? I’m sure most, if not all, of us have been guilty of making a list—whether consciously or not—of what we want in a spouse. 

Height, age, hair and eye color, build, hobbies and interests, career, good feet… 

I had a list like this. It included things like a love for horses, a desire to live in the country… 

Now I didn’t want to exclude anyone God wanted for me, but my list did lead me in the wrong direction. I met someone who fit my little list perfectly. And he was a terrible choice for me—although he did cure me of my idea that I could make a list for something like that. 

And this is what I told her when she talked about her own list: my husband didn’t fill much on mine, because my list was wrong.

First Things First

The most important thing we can do when making any decision as impactful as who to marry is simple really: Ask God. He knows every irritating detail about us, yet He cares for us. He knows time backward and forward. He is well equipped to direct us to the one who fits us like the most irregular puzzle piece ever seen.

Ask Him.  

But how do you know the answer you hear is really God and not just what you want to hear? That’s a wonderful question. 

The Bible says that we should test the spirits. Now I don’t mean the kind of test like standing in front of a train and tempting God. However, it’s important to remember that although the Holy Spirit is trustworthy and infallible, we are not. 

God doesn’t seem to speak to us in audible voices these days. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Yes, God. I see you in that burning bush. This is the one? Sweet!

Anyway, I’m sure we’d figure a way to mess that up, too. There is a simple way to test and know if we’re hearing the Spirit, ourselves, or maybe even Satan: We can ask this question: 

Does the answer in any way contradict scripture? 

I’m sure I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: God doesn’t contradict Himself.

He will not tell you to marry someone who is already married, an unbeliever, or a physical or emotional abuser. If you suspect abuse, be sure to check out this article on the signs.

Signs He Might Be the One

So if you’ve gotten to this point and you feel that you’ve gotten a yes from your prayers, then I think there may be another sort of verification process, if you will—another sort of test. 

Not the kind of test where you’re testing someone else. That’s not healthy. This is just a way to confirm you’re hearing from the Holy Spirit and not someone else. 

Now a disclaimer here: Most of my readers are female (and so am I), so this list is written in that perspective. We’re not picking on the guys here, because, guys, this list works for you, too.  

#1 – He loves God.

One thing my silly list taught me was that lists of that kind don’t mean anything. We think we need common ground, and to an extent, we do, but our common ground should be a mutual love of God.

My husband has a saying I love: a couple should be a triangle. If we’re both moving closer to God, we’re also moving closer together.  

#2 – His actions follow his words.

This point is important—at least it was for me. Every person I dated claimed to be a Christian. Very few of them lived it. 

If he says he loves God, does he read his Bible? Does he treat those around him, especially those who can’t give him something in return, with care and respect? Does he talk about his faith? 

Or do his actions contradict Scripture? Is he only concerned about his own wants and needs? 

#3 – His love reminds you of God’s love for you.

Before meeting my husband, and with each person I dated, this phrase was a frequent refrain though my mind: Life is not a fairy tale. Every time something inside me whispered that I was not being loved and cherished, that was my answer.

I know now that the whisper I heard was the Holy Spirit telling me that the one for me would not be a cross I must bear for companionship. Instead, he is a constant reminder to me in his smallest actions that God loves me.

#4 – You are both your better selves.

A relationship can look good on paper sometimes without being right for you, but the person God has for you will fit you. 

Does his presence sometimes irritate you for no reason? Do you make good decisions together? Or do you find yourself making unsettling decisions to make him happy?

#5 – Your relationship is steady. 

Do you have frequent arguments? Do you feel really high and then low emotionally? Has your relationship so far been on and off? 

#6 – You feel no checks in your spirit.

This point can probably go along with the last point. I found that with lots of relational high and lows, there was also a check in my spirit disguised by my focus on the highs.  

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Height and weight, hair and eye color, hobbies and interests, and profession and ambitions all make up a poor way to look for a spouse. Each of these things change. I don’t know if my advice that day helped my struggling technician, but I pray it will help someone.

God knows us best and will guide us. Ask Him and then test what you hear. There isn’t a list that will tell you for sure if you should marry a person, but these points can be a way to check yourself. 

Do you have a list (or did if you’re already married)? Let me know in the comments below.

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want some more on this subject? Check out these posts…

• Am I Being Abused? from Office of Women’s Health
• 18 Dating Red Flags That Should Make You Think Twice About Marriage from HISsparrowBlog
• How to Know if He’s the One from HISsparrowBlog
• How Much Work DOES Marriage Take? from HISsparrowBlog

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I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Tell His Story with Jeanne Takenaka, and Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola.