So I have a confession to make: I am a people-pleaser.

I mean for real.

For a long time, I didn’t realize the extent of it. I knew I had some of the tendencies, but I didn’t think it was a real problem when it came to it.

Yeah, but no. It’s a problem. Since this has come to my attention, it seems like I see the effects of my people-pleasing everywhere I look.

You may be thinking, “Hey, what’s so wrong with being a likable person?” That’s what I used to think. Scripture even seemed to support this mindset (when Paul instructs the Romans to live in peace with everyone). 

When I look closer, though, I find that’s not a full picture, because Jesus also warned that his followers would be treated badly just as he was.  

See, I’m realizing that if my validation comes from the positive comments, opinions, thoughts, or whatever of others, then my worth—my identity—is wrapped up in changeable forces. When those comments, opinions, thoughts, or whatever of others lie, my sense of worth is damaged. 

And what happens when God tells me to go one way, or do one thing, or say that, but I’m more worried about what others will say?

Unfortunately, I think I know what would happen, because I’ve already established a very bad habit.

But how do I know that I’m more concerned with pleasing others? And what can we do about it? 

Signs I’m a People-Pleaser

#1 – I hate conflict.

Oh, boy…do I hate conflict. I should probably use the word despise. I get that gut-churning reaction, and my brain screams “run!” I’m kinda getting the cringeys just thinking about it.

I’ve always known this about myself, but I’m realizing more and more that the root cause of my hatred of conflict is someone ain’t happy. 

Heaven forbid they’re not happy with me.

#2 – I listen quietly to others without interjecting my own thoughts when they differ. 

Uh, see point one. My default in a situation is to avoid conflict by keeping my thoughts to myself, because then no one can know what I think and then be upset with me. 

#3 – I question my own right to feelings and opinions that differ with others.

This is a biggie. Should I voice my opinion and someone get upset with it, instead of recognizing my own right to an opinion, I question myself.

Really, this point is closely tied with points one and two, but I think this one highlights another underlying issue: my inability to be my own person.

#4 – I get really upset when others think badly of me.

I should add to this one the thought of someone thinking badly of me. A hypothetical situation—completely made up in my own head—gets me going sometimes.    

#5 – I crave the positive opinions of others.

There’s nothing like someone complementing my articles, my appearance, my ideas… well, you get the idea.

For some reason, I can’t think of myself as worthy or valid until someone else affirms that. Positive opinions of others are great, but they can’t serve as validation for my own worth, intelligence, or feelings.

Simple Steps for the People-Pleaser

We are people who need constant reminders, I think. It’s about repetition and sometimes pure simplicity.

#1 – Pray for guidance and courage.

#2 – Recognize when people-pleasing has taken over my thoughts and actions.

#3 – Consciously ask myself “Who do I want to please?”

#4 – Pray some more and see the following verses.

Verses to Remember for the People-Pleaser

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It’s easy to say that we only care what Jesus thinks while our actions say differently. As scripture says, it’s important for us to live in peace with others as best we can, but that doesn’t mean that we should compromise our faith—or identity—to do so.

So, do you have problems with people-pleasing? What steps do you take to help? Let me know in the comments below.

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Check out these great resources, too…

• How to Stop Being A People Pleaser from Shanté at Her Style of Tea
• Who Am I Trying to Please? from Amy Jung at Wasteland to Graceland
• 4 Reasons Negative Self-Talk Needs To Go from HISsparrowBlog
• Identity in Christ: My Name Is… from HISsparrowBlog

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