People-pleasing can be a big problem when we allow it to compromise our beliefs. Check out my signs that you might be a people-pleaser.
So I have a confession to make: I am a people-pleaser.
I mean for real.
For a long time, I didn’t realize the extent of it. I knew I had some of the tendencies, but I didn’t think it was a real problem when it came to it.
Yeah, but no. It’s a problem. Since this has come to my attention, it seems like I see the effects of my people-pleasing everywhere I look.
You may be thinking, “Hey, what’s so wrong with being a likable person?” That’s what I used to think. Scripture even seemed to support this mindset (when Paul instructs the Romans to live in peace with everyone).
When I look closer, though, I find that’s not a full picture, because Jesus also warned that his followers would be treated badly just as he was.
See, I’m realizing that if my validation comes from the positive comments, opinions, thoughts, or whatever of others, then my worth—my identity—is wrapped up in changeable forces. When those comments, opinions, thoughts, or whatever of others lie, my sense of worth is damaged.
And what happens when God tells me to go one way, or do one thing, or say that, but I’m more worried about what others will say?
Unfortunately, I think I know what would happen because I’ve already established a very bad habit.
But how do I know that I’m more concerned with pleasing others? And what can I do about it?
Signs I’m a People-Pleaser
#1 – I hate conflict.
Oh, boy . . . do I hate conflict. I should probably use the word despise. I get that gut-churning reaction, and my brain screams “Run!” I’m kinda getting the cringeys just thinking about it.
I’ve always known this about myself, but I’m realizing more and more that the root cause of my hatred of conflict is someone ain’t happy.
Heaven forbid they’re not happy with me.
#2 – I listen quietly to others without interjecting my own thoughts when they differ.
Uh, see point one. My default in a situation is to avoid conflict by keeping my thoughts to myself because then no one can know what I think and then be upset with me.
#3 – I question my own right to feelings and opinions that differ with others.
This is a biggie. Should I voice my opinion and someone get upset with it, instead of recognizing my own right to an opinion, I question myself.
Really, this point is closely tied with points one and two, but I think this one highlights another underlying issue: my inability to be my own person.
#4 – I get really upset when others think badly of me.
I should add to this one the thought of someone thinking badly of me. A hypothetical situation—completely made up in my own head—gets me going sometimes.
#5 – I crave the positive opinions of others.
There’s nothing like someone complementing my articles, my appearance, my ideas . . . well, you get the idea.
For some reason, I can’t think of myself as worthy or valid until someone else affirms that. Positive opinions of others are great, but they can’t serve as validation for my own worth, intelligence, or feelings.
Simple Steps for the People-Pleaser
We are people who need constant reminders, I think. It’s about repetition and sometimes pure simplicity.
#1 – Pray for guidance and courage.
#2 – Recognize when people-pleasing has taken over my thoughts and actions.
#3 – Consciously ask myself “Who do I want to please?”
#4 – Pray some more and see the following verses.
Verses to Remember for the People-Pleaser
It’s easy to say that we only care what Jesus thinks while our actions say differently. As scripture says, it’s important for us to live in peace with others as best we can, but that doesn’t mean that we should compromise our faith—or identity—to do so.
So, do you have problems with people-pleasing? What steps do you take to help? Let me know in the comments below.
More Reading
- Count It All Joy: How to Grow & Mature in Trials from HISsparrowBlog
- Simple Reminders for Receiving Criticism Well from HISsparrowBlog
- 4 Things I’m Learning from My Happiness Missteps from HISsparrowBlog
I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Instaencouragements with Patsy and her crew, Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola, and Blessing Bloggers with Deb Wolf.
Thanks for being so vulnerable here, Ashley. I appreciate you sharing this; I have a friend who says she is a people-pleaser too. Your words help me understand her a little better. I know it’s a real struggle for her as she is trying to come out of it.
I pray that your friend would know her worth in Christ. I find that helps me to remember who I should I seek to please. Thank you for reading, Lisa!
I recently read an article about when it’s okay to be a people-pleaser and when it’s not. Definitely when we compromise our convictions to please others, we’ve gone too far. Our summer Sunday School class is talking about the fear of man, and some of these things come up there, too. Those verses are all helpful–to remember to fear God most of all and do all as unto Him and not seek the approval of people more than Him. It’s hard sometimes in the moment, but may God remind us of those truths as we need them.
Amen, Barbara! Thank you for commenting!
Isn’t it wonderful that Jesus was so aware that we wouldn’t be able to please everyone or live free of persecution and conflict?
Yes!
You have raised some very interesting points, Ashley. I think we all can tend to people please at various times. May we rely on God to show us when we are falling into this trap.
Amen, Joanne!
This speaks to me, friend! Thank you! I fall into this too easily, and these are solid reminders for me!
I’m sorry you can relate to this, but I’m relieved to not be alone in my struggles. Thanks so much for commenting.
Oh, the people pleaser in me sure does harm, even to those I’m trying to please. Loved your article.
I’m so grateful for your presence in the Grace & Truth Link-Up! Your post stood out, and I’m honored to feature it on my Pinterest board. Take a look here: https://www.pinterest.com/embracingtheune/grace-truth-christian-link-up-featured-posts/.
Thank you for reading, Maree!