Suicide can be a difficult topic. Unfortunately, many of us have probably had some sort of experience with it. Today I’d like to talk about a couple of things I wish I had done differently when I struggled with my own suicidal thoughts, as well as, give you a list of reminders I would tell my younger self I could—in case you’re struggling now.
There was a time in my life when I questioned why anyone would want to commit suicide.
It seems counter-intuitive to our basic desire to live. What could possibly convince a person death is the only option?
As someone who’s seen the aftermath of suicide all her life, I even wondered if it was selfish. After all, simple logic dictates that someone would find your body. And chances are that someone would be someone who cares for you—who will not only have to live with the questions and guilt but the mental image of your death.
Then I struggled with my own thoughts of suicide and learned it’s far more complicated than I originally thought.
It’s hard to say what could make a person want to commit suicide. A situation or circumstance we weathered fine before somehow becomes a malevolent cloud, surrounding us in despair.
While this cloud is the most terrible place to be with all the anger, despair, hurt, and disappointment, it somehow feels good to feed those feelings.
Yet the more we give in to those feelings, the blacker and more dense that cloud becomes—isolating us from everyone and everything we care about or enjoy.
Then we begin to picture how we want to do it. And that feels good, too. So we picture the fantasy over and over.
What I Wish I’d Done Differently When I Struggled with Suicidal Thoughts
It’s been more than a decade since my own dark held me—a lifetime it seems. And not one minute has passed when I don’t feel grateful to have not followed through.
While I’m so thankful I came out on the other side, looking back has always made a couple of things clear to me:
#1 – I wish I’d talked to someone then.
I’ve been open about my experience with suicide, but that was not true while I was in the midst of it. There were many things that kept me from seeking help from loved ones:
- I didn’t want to hurt them by telling them how I was feeling.
- I didn’t know how to express myself. When I was alone with my thoughts, I knew I needed help, so I would seek out my loved ones. But then the words wouldn’t come.
- I was embarrassed by the reasons for my thoughts. Some part of me felt that I would need to justify myself, which I would not.
#2- I wish I had used my resources.
I knew there was a suicide hotline, somewhere I could talk to someone who didn’t know me and couldn’t be hurt by my thoughts.
I never called. I’m not exactly sure why. I just didn’t.
Reminders for the One Struggling with Suicidal Thoughts
Unfortunately, suicide is one of the leading causes of death, which means chances are high at least one person reading this is struggling now.
Here are some reminders I’d tell my younger self if I could. I pray they can help someone else.
#1 – Your mind will play tricks on you.
#2 – Your loved ones are not better off without you.
#3 – Fight those feelings that suck you in.
#4 – Whatever the reason for your suicidal thoughts, it’s not trivial.
#5 – Not talking about whatever is bothering you will only hurt you.
#6 – Ask yourself: If you went through with it, who would find you?
#7 – You may not be able to cope alone. But only you can ask for help. Please do it.
#8 – Put one foot in front of the other until things look brighter.
#9 – One day you’ll be glad you didn’t follow through.
#10 – Your life has purpose, even if you can’t see that now.
#11 – You are not alone.
Who really knows why anyone would commit suicide? It can appear selfish to others, but it can be much more complicated than that. While suffering with thoughts of suicide, our minds can trick us into thinking our loved ones are better off without us or maybe that our death is the only solution to the pain.
I wish I had talked to someone while I was suffering through it. If you’re currently struggling, please talk to someone. You are not alone.
Have you suffered with suicidal thoughts? What would you tell your younger self if you could? Let me know in the comments below.
Resources
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- Suicide Prevention Resources from the CDC
- Suicide: My Story from HISsparrowBlog
I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Tell His Story with Jeanne Takenaka, and Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola.
Your insight has really helped me in so many ways. I continue to struggle with the pain and sorrow of having had my nephew commit suicide, the why and the really huge issue……why didn’t I see he was in so much pain??? Thank you for sharing the anointed message God gave you and the scriptures.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Judy. The effects of suicide ripple out to so many, and the questions and guilt linger for a lifetime. We can be skilled at hiding the depth of the pain from those around us when we’re struggling with thoughts of suicide—maybe even in an attempt not to hurt those we love. I’m so grateful you were encouraged. Thank you for commenting.
It’s good you chose this subject. It affects so many people. Most people shy away from tackling it. Good job!
Thank you for your unending support. I love you.
I believe that your words will be helpful to many and I’m praying it will go viral so that healing will begin!
I pray God uses this to help both those struggling now and those who’ve lost loved ones. Thank you so much for stopping in, Barb.
This is a most important topic as it affects so many. May this post and your words help many to seek the help and healing they need!
Amen, Joanne. Thank you for commenting!
Thank you for your authenticity, Ashley. I pray many are helped by this frank discussion of suicide.
Thank you, Lisa!
Ashley I am so sorry you walked through that dark time alone. I praise God you did not follow through, your precious life is such a blessing to others. Thank you for this excellent advice, and thought provoking comments.
Thank you, Donna. I am so grateful my story can help others.
Ashley, this one touched me deeply. Few of us have not been touched by suicide, and shining light on the struggle is powerful. I can relate to some of this personally from my own dark seasons. I love the way God is using you to bring hope and healing to the hurting. You are a gift.
Thank you, Stacey. It’s unfortunate that so many can relate to this post, but God is faithful to use our stories to help others.
Suicide is still such a misunderstood thing so I appreciate you educating us more, Ashley. We all need to understand it as much as possible to know how to better help each other. I am SO thankful that you didn’t follow through with it when you had suicidal thoughts because the world would be less bright without you in it. I’m featuring your post this Friday on my blog.
I’m really glad I didn’t follow through, too! I would have missed so many blessings. Thank you for the feature!
Ashley, this is so powerful. Your honesty and willing vulnerability is so inspiring. You hold nothing back to let God use you to help others. It’s been a long time since I was in such a dark place as well. Your perspective looking back is very similar to my own. I pray your honesty will help others make it to the other side.
Valerie, I’m sorry you could relate so well to my story. Unfortunately, too many can. Thank you so much for your encouraging words today!
Ashley, this post . . . so powerful. As the mother of two sons who each had suicidal ideations at some point, this topic is close to my heart. Your suggestions are spot on. It seems like, perhaps the most difficult thing for someone in the throes of ideation is that they really truly are valued, there really is a way out of the darkness, and they are not going to be thought less of for being honest with a safe person about what they’re feeling. Such a good post.
Yes, it’s so hard to ask for help when you’re suffering, but that’s the best thing you can do. Thank you for your comment!
Ashley, thanks for sharing such a sensitive subject, especially how it affected you. It’s so important to talk about it if we experience those thoughts but it’s also important if we suspect someone else is struggling with suicidal thoughts to talk to them openly and honestly.
Yes, openness is so important. Thank you so much for commenting, Donna!
Ashley, thank you for your vulnerability. I’m so sorry you went through such a painful time. I, too, once lived in that place.
I feared being hospitalized and, despite seeing a counselor at the time, did not share my thoughts with her. I believe she could have equipped me with tools–and, I likely would have benefited from some support in a medical facility for a few days.
Blessings,
Tammy
It’s so hard to say it aloud when struggling with suicidal thoughts, isn’t it? I’m sorry you could relate so well. Blessings to you.