Eleven years is plenty of time to learn a thing or two about marriage. Today I’ll share some simple things I’ve learned in my eleven years of marriage so far.
If you’ve been around here long at all, then you know this time of year is one of my favorites. I love the fall more and more each year. I mean what’s not to love?
Relief from sweltering temps, gorgeous colors, and wedding anniversaries. Oh, wait. That’s me. It could be you too, though. More and more people choose to marry in the fall these days.
Well, you probably know, also, that I love writing marriage posts this time of year—in honor of my anniversary.
This one is special, too. It’s our eleventh. Over a decade. Wow. It sure doesn’t feel like it’s been that long already. Surely, we’re still newlyweds, right?
Although it doesn’t really feel like so many years could have passed already, quite a lot has happened when I think about it: difficult jobs, deaths, surgeries and procedures, blended family dynamics, autism diagnoses, car wrecks, pandemic problems, drug studies, doctor appointments, broken appliances…
Making this list reminds me of what we’ve endured together so far, and it may look all bad, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. We all probably have a similar list.
Negative things happen, but walking with a godly spouse provides some extra oomph.
Things I’ve Learned in 11 Years of Marriage
#1 – Soak it up.
Time really does fly when you’re having fun. And it seems to pass faster and faster the older I get.
There is a limited amount of time here together, and we can’t let even a little be wasted.
#2 – Don’t hold too tightly.
Speaking of short and wasted time, I’ve learned that I can’t live in fear of the future—especially the fear of losing my sweet husband.
That fear, though it may appear to be borne of love, is the opposite.
#3 – There are different seasons.
I love this time of year, but I can’t hold onto it so much that I ignore the other three. That would be three-quarters (and sometimes more in the warmer climates) that I missed out on. And there are many wonderful things about those seasons, too.
Marriages also have seasons—typically, honeymoon to starting out to new homes to children to busyness to empty nest to retirement to older age.
Although our seasons may not look typical as a blended family, they’re there and each one is special because it’s time together.
#4 – Do what’s best for your marriage.
There is a whole lot of good marriage advice out there. And it’s a wonderful habit to listen and accept good advice.
Not all marriages are the same and not all advice fits all marriages, though. There may be some things that are unconventional, but then if it works for us, that’s what we gotta do.
#5 – Don’t worry about what others think.
This is very closely related to the last point but deserves its own emphasis. It’s been a big one for me.
Worrying about what anyone else thinks about your marriage will damage it.
I’m guessing most marriages have been atypical in one way or another at different times. As we talked about with seasons, some things may be good for a time for different seasons.
#6 – Communication has good days and bad.
There are times when we are so in sync we may not even need to say anything to communicate. I love those days.
And then there are days that we can’t seem to understand the very simple words the other is saying—like we’re speaking wildly different languages. The more we try to “communicate,” the worse the understanding seems to be.
#7 – Still make the effort.
No matter how badly we misunderstand a situation, we can learn something from it, and we can always know we’re trying.
It’s okay to just laugh and say, “This must be one of those days.”
#8 – One and one make three.
This tidbit was courtesy of our autism counselor (thank you, Jodi!), and it really sums up this point beautifully. There’s Randy, me, and our marriage.
We are two individuals who come together to make another entity. We are still individual selves.
#9 – It’s okay to foster individual interests and identities.
For a long time, we didn’t do much of anything separately. We thought that once we reached the point where we were showing up alone, we would end up leading separate lives.
One and one make three, though. Our individual selves don’t cease to exist once we marry, and our marriage is actually stronger if we don’t hamper individual growth and imprison our own identities inside marriage.
#10 – Appreciate the commonalities and the differences.
We agree on all kinds of issues, which is wonderful to have in a marriage.
But then there all kind of differences, too. Whether it’s our personalities or preferences or opinions, differences are also important. With our differences, we cover more ground.
#11 – Marriage is a beautiful picture of God’s love for us.
I learned this very early in our marriage. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but it’s been such a big one for me.
What’s something you’ve learned in your marriage? Share in the comments below.
And for a little more reading on marriage…
- 2 Reminders For Maintaining Personal Identity in Marriage from HISsparrowBlog
- 6 Signs He’s A Catch and Might Be the One from HISsparrowBlog
- 18 Dating Red Flags That Should Make You Think Twice About Marriage from HISsparrowBlog
I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Tell His Story with Jeanne Takenaka, and Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola.
These are all great points, Ashley. I had not heard of the one + one = three, but it makes sense.
One of the most helpful things I learned about marriage came from Elisabeth Elliot. She said most wives might agree with or like 80% of their husband’s characteristics or actions, but they harp on the 20% they don’t like or agree with. She encouraged us to focus on the 80%. It’s so easy to get fixated on silly little irritations that don’t matter in the long run.
Excellent advice, Barbara! It is so easy to get caught up in the minor and lose sight. The same person who says one plus equals three also has a saying about that. She calls it the two or ten. It basically reminds you to ask yourself if what’s bothering you is low on the meter or high. If it’s low, it probably doesn’t even warrant a discussion. It helps me to have a quick reminder. Thanks so much for stopping in!
Lots of great insights here, Ashley. I especially love how you acknowledge that every relationship is different, and thus we need to do what works within our individual marriages, even if it is different than what works for someone else. Thanks for sharing your beautiful wisdom!
Thank you for commenting, Lisa! And yes, we should always weigh the advice given to decide if it’s relevant to our unique relationships.
You are a wise woman, Ashley! I’ve been married almost 30 years and I am just now realizing some of these lessons. (Some I’ve understood for a while longer, thank goodness!) I love the idea that “with differences, we cover more ground.” At times, the differences at my house seem much greater these days, but when I think of them as covering more ground, I see that they can actually be helpful. Also, I don’t think I knew your husband’s name was Randy. So is mine. 🙂
Yes, I’ve heard you mention your husband and meant to say something! I’m sure there is plenty of wonderful advice you could offer. If you’re like me, sometimes you don’t fully articulate things sometimes into a list. Thank you for your sweet comment!
These are all good insights. Every marriage is different, none quite the same. Much the way people are individuals and unique, marriages can be so varied. You asked what’s something I’ve learned in my marriage? I’ve learned that no matter how many years we have been married, there are days I still discover something new about my husband 🙂 It keeps marriage alive!
That’s a wonderful reminder, Joanne! It’s always good to keep learning about our spouses. Thanks so much for stopping in!
These are wonderful insights!
Thank you, Susan!
Great insights, Ashley! Happy Anniversary! We have an October anniversary, so fall is a celebratory time for us too.
Happy anniversary to you, too! Fall is a beautiful time for celebrations. Thank you for stopping by!