Do you respond to a compliment by putting yourself down? Do you verbally attack yourself because of your own clumsiness, forgetfulness, or aging body? You, my friend, may struggle with negative self-talk.
So do I.
And I’m guessing we aren’t alone. What a relief, huh? But the everybody-does-it response won’t cut it. It can be a comfort but not an excuse.
Why Do We Beat Ourselves Up with Negative Self-Talk?
It’s always helpful for me to evaluate the why in any situation: It can help me get a better perspective and understanding. When I looked at my why for this one, though, I was a little embarrassed. It’s obvious I have a long way to go in the identity department, which is a bit of a bummer.
My negative self-talk is a result of thinking my faults are so painfully obvious to others that’s all they can see—even those I know who love me fiercely. In an effort to spare my own pride and self-esteem, I state the obvious so they won’t have to break it to me.
And then subconsciously, there’s always the hope someone else will contradict my self-image. This may seem to contradict my first reason, but feelings are usually illogical and jumbled up together—even what seem to be opposite emotions.
What’s the Big Deal and What Can I Do About It?
It’s easy to group some things into the that’s-just-the-way-it-is category. Some things can become so ingrained in us that they don’t occur to us to do anything about them.
And then sometimes it seems impossible to do anything different even if you wanted. How do you change something so big that the whole world does it?
One person at a time, I guess. We start with ourselves because bad is bad no matter how many people do it.
So what’s so wrong with negative self-talk anyway? Who am I hurting? Why would anyone care what I say to myself? I’m glad you asked.
Reason #1: We take on a false identity based on comments from others.
I can remember mean comments from when I was a kid. I can’t remember what I ate for lunch yesterday, but the negative things people probably don’t even remember saying stick. Like one time, this kid called me buck-toothed. That was years ago and I had a gap between my crooked front teeth—not buck-toothed—and braces made a huge improvement, yet I always have something negative to say when I see myself in pictures.
I’d like to point out another type of comment that can stick with us sometimes: constructive criticism. It’s a beautiful thing to have accountability. I’m not dissing anyone for telling us what we need to hear. We need that.
But our response should be mature and secure enough in our identities that we don’t use those times of growth as a label we carry for the rest of our lives—or as ammunition for the next trash-talk session in front of the mirror. Learn and move on.
Tip #1: Stop yourself, focus on Jesus, and remember who you are in Him.
Reason #2: It gives the lies of Satan power over us.
The Deceiver loves to see us more focused on his lies than on Jesus because then we’re less productive for the kingdom of God.
Can’t you just picture him with a Cheshire-like grin, tickled every time we repeat his words? We’ll never be good enough. Pretty enough. Productive enough.
Tip #2: I like to visualize Satan whispering his lies until Jesus whispers back the truth, just like He did in the desert.
Reason #3: We continue the cycle when others hear it from us.
We like to think our private thoughts are…well…private, but they’re not. What we think comes out in the words we say, our reactions, and our attitudes toward others. Focus fuels self-talk—either positive or negative, and others hear it.
The negative comments that come as a result of someone’s sweet compliment not only make them uncomfortable, it makes them more likely to do the same to themselves. Leading by example as they say.
Tip #3: Practice saying “Thank you” the next time someone compliments you. Just “thank you.” That includes the thoughts in your head.
Reason #4: Negative attitudes toward ourselves will eventually turn outward.
I’ve touched on this a little already, but I think it deserves its own point. Few things can be as bad for our Christian witness as negativity and treating others badly. And although we can fool ourselves into thinking our personal thoughts won’t affect anyone else, we’ve already established that’s just not true.
Action follows attitude. When we focus on the negative in ourselves, it’s only natural to start doing the same to others. The bad habit will pop out whether we want it to or not.
Tip #4: Practice looking for the good in those around you, and try to pay a compliment to a different person daily. Even if it’s small. It might not be small to that person.
Can you think of another reason negative self-talk is a bad way to go? I’d love for you to share in the comments.
Want a little more reading? Here ya go…
- 10 Must-See Verses for the One Who Feels Ugly from HISsparrowBlog
- 3 Simple Truths for When You Feel Like a Failure from HISsparrowBlog
This is something I have always struggled with. Even now when I get a compliment, I’m holding back some sort of self-deprecating remark as I say, “Thank you.”
But as Christians, how can we lift each other up while we are putting down ourselves? The following verse comes to mind for the attitude/actions we should have: “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.” (Col. 3:16, ESV)
Wow! I love how you put that, Rebekah: how can we life each other up while we’re putting down ourselves? I pray you lean on God as you learn more and more who you are in Him. Thanks for stopping by!
Definitely an area for improvement in me
Unfortunately, I think most of us struggle with this. Praying that you gain a better understanding every day of who you are in Christ. Love you!
You made some great points. I don’t think knowing our identity in Christ is something that we will ever fully know. It’s part of the sanctification process, especially for women. Thanks for the reminders and tips. 8)
You make a great point, Debra: our identity in Christ is really more than we can understand, because it comes from a God who is more than we can grasp. Great insight. Thanks for stopping by!
Several years ago the Lord prompted me to give up Self-Doubt and Hesitation for Lent. That was the best year ever! (Apparently, I may need to revisit this again!) Yeah…. we all struggle with this –the key is remembering to pay attention and to take every thought captive! Great post with great tips, too!
Thank you, Karrilee! It’s so easy to think we have an issue handled only to return to it later. Love what you said about paying attention and taking every thought captive. God bless!
I believe God is really trying to open our eyes to negativity and its effects. He led me to make the theme of my Delight in the Word Challenge this month (March) to be: Fast from Negativity; Feast on God’s Promises.
When we think and speak negative things, we are partnering with the devil. I don’t think any of us really want to do that. But when we think and speak God’s Word (His promises), we are partnering with God, and the angels go to work bring His Word to pass.
I love all your wise tips! Thanks for your boldness to share.
I love that! “Fast from negativity and feast on God’s promises.”
Thank you, Ashley, for these tips! We do have to get better at receiving compliments and kicking negative self-talk to the curb! I have chosen your post as this week’s feature on Grace & Truth.
Thank you so much!
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