Are you good at receiving criticism? I’d guess few of us are. No one likes criticism, but it’s an inevitable and valuable part of life. Here are some truths to deal with criticism next time you’re so fortunate to receive it.
I’m a writer. There I said it. You have no idea how long it’s taken me to be able to say that. Well, to be honest, I still struggle with answering the question What do you do? with a confident I’m a writer. I missed an opportunity just a couple of weeks ago.
Instead of really answering, I hem-hawed around it.
Awkward.
Later, as I replayed the conversation in my mind, I felt like I had betrayed myself. The truth is that I write. I write here at HISsparrowBlog, I’ve written short stories, and I have definite aspirations to write a novel.
I am a writer.
So why is it so hard for me to tell others what I know already?
Maybe it’s the criticism. Not that anyone I really know has been critical of my writing. To the contrary, the support I’ve received from my readers—both those who know me personally and those who don’t—has been astounding.
Talking about what we do here on the blog would be so natural following the statement Well, I’m a writer. But talking about writing a novel: That’s a whole ‘nother ball game. As a life-long reader and now a writer (see what I did there?), I know criticism is a huge part of writing novels. Of writing in general, I’m sure—I’ve just been blessed to have such a sweet readership.
The whole process to write a novel involves a certain amount of criticism. From edits to reviews on Amazon to the sweet aunt who wants to give you advice.
It’s safer to just not tell anyone my aspirations. Then there’s no pressure and no chance of criticism.
I’m not sure if you can relate to this, since you may be not a writer, but I am sure that we’ve all received criticism—sometimes fair and sometimes not. Sometimes solicited and sometimes not.
Anyone who’s submitted a school paper only to get it back covered in red ink knows it.
Or anyone who’s had children probably also got plenty of well-meaning advice from anyone with more experience—and even some with none.
Truths to Remember Next You Receive Criticism
No matter how old we get, we’ve probably not received our last bit of criticism. You would think we’d be better at receiving it, but …well, we’re just not.
I wanna take a look at a few reminders for the next time we get that good ole advice.
#1 – Examine the source.
First thing—who’s giving the criticism? Is it someone I’ve known all my life? Someone who’s been with me through all my highs and lows. Someone I know cares for my well-being.
Or is it someone who famously hates me?
Or is it a stranger who caught a glimpse of exactly one second of my life?
Is the criticism fair? Is it from someone who only wants to shoot venom at me? Or from someone I know and trust who’s just going through their own things at the moment?
I find this question protects me from taking to heart any ill-intentioned darts to my self-worth. Words carry the power to bring life or not. I won’t allow the words of someone who does not care for my heart to shake me, but the wise words of someone who knows me in the good and the bad could be invaluable.
#2 – Fight the urge to get defensive.
This one is a little difficult for me. How about you?
My first reaction to criticism is to buck the injustice of it. Can’t you see I’m trying my best? Does that mean anything to you? And what about you? You’re not the picture of perfect last time I checked.
Yikes. Defensive much?
#3 – Listen.
Just listen. Not getting defensive helps this part.
I might be amazed at what I hear. Is this a good piece of advice? Is this person hurting and lashing out?
#4 – Ask Yourself if there is truth to the criticism.
And here comes the defensiveness, too. Sometimes we’re defensive because something hits too close to home, so the fight response comes out swinging.
But this part does require listening. Hear them out. Calmly. Everything will go smoother.
#5 – Remember that you’re not always right (or expected to be).
This is what I hear when I hear criticism—even when they don’t say it or even mean it: You’re so stupid. How could you not know this already?
Well, that’s not what they said.
But that’s what I heard.
It’s really counter-intuitive, though. I know there is so much I don’t know. I am not God—all-knowing, all-seeing, always prepared—so why would I place such an impossible standard for myself?
#6 – Don’t take it personally.
Taking criticism personally walks right alongside hearing I’m inept because I didn’t already know whatever it is.
There may be people who do imply that I’m stupid, lazy, or just inept when they give criticism, but it’s not most people who care about me. And if they do imply any of those things, then let me just go ahead and talk about the next point.
#7 – Criticism has no effect on Your value.
I am not stupid. I am not less than because of any criticism.
What’s true of me before it is true after: As a child of God, I am always enough.
So I’m still learning to answer questions about what I do all day with a confident Funny you should ask! I’m a writer. I can take any criticism that comes with it, because I can take it or leave it. That’s my choice. And, if true, I can better myself with the well-intentioned advice, and, if unfair, it says nothing about my identity.
How about you? What helps you deal with criticism? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
Because we can always use more research on criticism….
- Double Take: Listening from InTouch Ministries
- 7 Steps to Dealing with Criticism from Psychology Today
- 5 Signs You May Be a People-Pleaser {+ 6 Verses to Remember} from HISsparrowBlog
- 6 Crucial Truths for When You Feel Stupid from HISsparrowBlog
- 4 Things Difficult People Have Taught Me from HISsparrowBlog
- Identity: The One Whom Jesus Loves from HISsparrowBlog
I frequently link up with the following: Grace & Truth with Embracing the Unexpected, Tell His Story with Jeanne Takenaka, and Let’s Have Coffee with Joanne Viola.
Yes! I have struggled with this too. I minimized for a while saying ‘I’m a blogger’. But that’s not really accurate – and so many people then assume I just post about my life. Well, no I write a Christian Living/women’s ministry blog. That has finally turned into I’m a writer. But I’m with you – kind of holding my breath when I say it. But he equips those he calls and I hold to that truth.
Hey, at least you’ve answered with the blogging. That’s much better than nothing! 😉 So glad you stopped in today! Blessings to you and your writing journey.
God has most definitely equipped you for your calling. I LOVE your writing! I have been blessed to have had the chance to read a variety of your work. I am drawn in with the characters. It always leaves me hungry for more.
Thank you! I’m so grateful for your support!
I loved your post. I, too, struggle to say what I do, but I am getting better at it.
As for the criticism, oh boy, that really hard. I love what you said, “I won’t allow the words of someone who does not care for my heart to shake me, but the wise words of someone who knows me in the good and the bad could be invaluable.
I have nothing to add as far as pointers you nailed it. I have discovered that even when the criticism seems unjust and delivered in a not-so-nice way, it is worth looking at if it is from someone who loves you. Many times underneath it all, there is a sliver of some truth or a lack of understanding worth explaining. Recently, someone who loves me dearly didn’t like the way someone else was treating me. They burst out in a not-so-nice way. They lacked understanding of the situation, which was worth explaining at a later time. But not only that, it helped me to be more aware and value the way I am talked to regularly.
Thank you for sharing on Grace & Truth Link-Up.
You did have something to add! You made an excellent point about the opportunity to clear up misunderstanding. Wonderful point.
Excellent post, Ashley! Great advice for receiving criticism, which I do NOT do well. I struggle to say I’m a writer, it sticks in my throat and I’m not sure I believe it! But apart from that, I take all criticism personally, as if it challenges my self-worth. I have been trying to do two things: consider the source-if it is someone who loves me, knows me and regularly supports me, I feel safe. Then secondly I stay focused on my identity in Christ and that He called me to write, so I should not feel threatened by criticism. Thank you so much for these helpful tips!
Excellent reminders for yourself, Donna. No amount of criticism can affect our self-worth. Thanks so much for stopping by! Oh, and I’ve been reading your blog for a while…you are definitely a writer (a GREAT one). 😉
I thoroughly enjoy your writings because you always give me something to deeply think about and examine my inner being. I struggle with criticism because I am an over-achiever and try to do my very best in all things and if I hear criticism, however well-meaning and sincere, then I feel like I have failed myself. But in recent years, I know who I am in Christ and He knows I try my very best and knows my heart. Does all this make sense? I am happy to know you, writer! I’ve called you your title. Keep up the good work.
It makes perfect sense. I can relate to feeling like a failure when criticized; I think somehow that I should have already known. It’s wonderful that you are resting in Christ, and you understand better who you are in Him. Absolutely wonderful. Thank you for commenting today, Judy! You are a treasure to me.
Ugh. Taking criticism better is advice that almost all of us need, and definitely me included. Great tips here. (And I struggle to say I’m a writer too.)
Lisa, it amazes me that so many writers have the same doubts. You are an amazing writer. Thank you for your comment today!
Funny to read your post this morning as I spent a bit of time yesterday thinking about criticism. I found myself wondering about those who may have a critical spirit as then, nothing ever pleases them. They always find something wrong. I wondered if it stems from control or perfectionism, or maybe a blend of both. I tend to take criticism very personally, often processing it as meaning I am not enough or good enough. Your points are all well taken, Ashley, and I so appreciated this post!
I love how that happens! So many times I will be thinking on something or writing a post and another blogger will talk about that same topic. It’s a Holy Spirit thing I reckon. Thank you for commenting today!
What a timely article! Our first book (non-fiction) comes out very soon, and I know there will be criticism. #2 and 3 will be my biggest challenges. Not to get defensive and to listen. Hard!
Congratulations, Carole. That’s wonderful! Unfortunately, a little criticism in writing a book is inevitable, but it’s valuable. Thank you for stopping by today!
Writing has definitely thickened my skin! And I agree that we need to look for the grain of truth in every criticism.
Glad Lisa introduced me to your site!
Thanks for stopping by, Michele!
Ashley, criticism is hard to shake, especially when we already struggle with putting ourselves out there. Excellent points on dealing with it. And yes, writing opens you up to all kinds of criticism. But so does anything that puts you in the arena.
Thank you, Debbie!
These are such good points. I need to not let passing remarks of people who don’t even know me carry more weight that people who know and love me. And to remember that criticism doesn’t change my identity, and to look for truth in it.
So true, Barbara. Criticism can never affect your identity. Thanks so much for commenting!